How Not to Raise a Child Sociopath or Narcissist

 How Not to Raise a Child Sociopath or Narcissist This is a question I get all of the time. How not to raise a child sociopath or narcissist. Because teenagers can look like they’re sociopaths or narcissists, but they’re healthy teens. So what’s the difference? To start, we need to understand what a sociopath and narcissist are. If we don’t fully understand this, we’re not going to be able to avoid it or avoid raising a child sociopath or narcissist. These terms have been in the news a lot, and we in psychology have them under the umbrella of personality disorder. It’s a terrible phrase, I know, but that’s the phrase we use. Personality disorders have many different forms, 2 of them which are sociopaths and narcissist. So what’s at the heart of that? People with personality disorders can’t do relationships. Some people actually can’t tolerate relationships, but they want them terribly. It’s an awful dilemma for them, and most of this is unconscious. What you’ll see is they can’t tolerate closeness, and they can’t tolerate distance. And those two things are kind of at the poles of all healthy relationships. What do I mean by that? If you’re healthy and in a healthy relationship, what that means is you’re getting close, and you’re getting distant, you’re getting close, and you’re getting distant. Let’s say you have a girlfriend, you see her, and you have a great time, and then you don’t see her, and you do other things, all healthy relationships are like that.  They Can’t Tolerate Closeness or Distance for Very Long What happens with a narcissist or sociopath, is they can’t tolerate closeness for very long because it feels like being taken over. So to them, closeness starts feeling like being invaded, being taken over, being eliminated; it becomes a terrible feeling for them. Just like distancing becomes an awful feeling for them because it feels like abandonment, a terrible loss.  Both of these feel like extremes to the personality disorder patients, so they avoid them. And how they avoid them is by wiggling around in the middle; instead of doing close and distancing they’re getting close and then doing something to break the closeness such as arguing, cheating, lying, attacking- whatever it is, they got to get away, and they do, but they can’t stay away. After they’re apart, it starts to feel like a …

Tips on How to Make a Marriage Last

Q&A with Dr. Dabney on how to make a marriage last   Dr. Dabney treats marriages but not always the couple. She sometimes treats one person in the marriage, which fixes the marriage. That’s one hint if you need help, you’ve got to get it. Dr. Dabney has been married for 27 years and is offering tips on how to make a marriage last.   Joelle: How do you make a marriage last 27 years or even one year? Dr. Dabney: There is no magic bullet to get you through all of the problems you will face. If you need help, go and get it. Daryl and I got help when we needed it. We had parenting disagreements, and it wasn’t easy. It’s never easy to ask for help, but the relief and the amount of trouble you overcome is so worth it. It’s almost silly not to get help because we made so much progress so fast. And I do not think we would be as happy as we are now in our marriage if we didn’t get that help.   Joelle: Do you have any premarital advice? Dr. Dabney: If the couple starts by having the understanding that they’re going to get help when they need it, then it becomes more automatic. Instead of saying “oh my god, we need help, something’s wrong with us,” it just becomes more second nature.   Get the Help You Need People think our lives are perfect, but we’re not perfect. Just because we’re focusing on other peoples problems, does not mean our lives are perfect. In fact, a lot of what we teach is because we’ve been in the trenches, and we’ve come out of it. That gives us another perspective on how to work through these things, besides book knowledge and training.  We’re not here to judge you. We’ve been there, or we have relatives or friends who have. People think that therapy will take forever to see results, but the sooner you come in and get the work done, the sooner you can feel better and reap the rewards. Some people come in for one session to make a plan, or if we are not the right fit, we will refer you to someone who we think is a better fit. Ways we can help you: Dozens of free articles  15-minute consultation to provide direction (757) 340-8800 An online …

How to Avoid Raising a Narcissist or Sociopath

Let’s talk about narcissism and sociopaths. Specifically, how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. I thought I’d combine the two and help teach you how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. How to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath You don’t want to deal with narcissists or sociopaths anywhere; you certainly don’t want your child to have that kind of problem. Narcissism and sociopathy are descriptive titles of personality disorders. The larger group is personality disorders. Personality disorders are defined as not monsters and horrible people that you hear in the media, but we define personality problem as somebody who has difficulty with intimate relationships. I know it makes no sense. Personality disorder does not mean you have a bad personality; in fact, sociopaths often have lovely personalities; it’s part of their trick, part of the manipulation. The definition means you have not just the typical trouble with intimate relationships that we all have but the extreme problems. Such as, you can’t maintain long-standing intimate relationships. What goes into maintaining long-standing intimate relationships? That way, you can maintain long-term relationships, and you don’t have a personality disorder and therefore are not by definition a narcissist or a sociopath. How to how to raise a child who does not have a personality disorder, means you have to understand what goes behind that. Understanding what the foundation is of maintaining intimate relationships. The key here is to have a good sense in capabilities to give and take, you can give and take. Another way of putting that is to have a good capacity to control yourself and to put up boundaries with the other person. Notice, I didn’t say control yourself and control others. A big problem parents have is controlling themselves and putting up boundaries, which helps a child control themselves. Also, the capacity to change your parenting style as the child grows up. So many parents are using the same techniques for punishment and discipline when the child’s a teenager as when the child was three. Makes no sense, right? But it happens all the time. Three areas to focus on: Controlling yourself Putting up a boundary with a child Changing your parenting techniques Controlling yourself (taking care of yourself). There are lots of things that children do that they need to do, to have healthy self-esteem, to feel autonomous, to feel grown-up, to feel separate from their …

Enjoy The Holidays Without The Holiday Meltdown

Why Can’t We Enjoy the Holidays Without the Meltdown?? It’s nice to see you all. I have been wanting to talk about the holiday meltdown. Since it’s before Thanksgiving because so many people come to me with this history of going, going, going during the Holiday season and then crashing. I typically don’t hear about the crash until after the crash. Everybody goes off to their holidays everybody is okay, and then they come back with all the complaints and frustrations. We don’t want you to do that this year, as I always tell my patients- how about, we think about the things that are coming up not just the things that have passed. If you have this history of melting down, I just wanted to talk to you about that. It’s not going to take something away from the holidays, to think about this in advance. We’re going to add something to the holiday by doing a preemptive strike. We’re going to solve this before it happens. And then make the holiday a whole lot better, not only for you but everybody else too. What I’ve found over the 20 years of doing this, is that that meltdown tends to always come because of an imbalance. “I’m doing everything, and nobody else is doing anything,” imbalance. Sounds familiar right? “I’m doing this, this, and this. He’s not doing that, she’s not doing this, she’s getting her nails done, and I’m doing everything.” So you start doing that in your head, and that’s a problem. Reasons the Imbalance Comes Up The reasons why that balance comes up. For starters, you are probably doing this all in your head. You get caught up in the traditions, in the pressure from society, maybe some pressure from the family and you go right into the mode. Whatever holiday it is, you go into the mode and not think to stop, and think. Let’s put our thinking caps on together and try to think of what is it that you want? What do you want? Prepare a list of what everybody else wants; you can hold on to that but add to it, what do you want? And the sooner you get this out on the table, the better. You don’t have to sit there and wait until someone doesn’t figure it out. We’re talking here a lot about expressing what you want, expressing …

Beyond Boundaries- Simple Fixes for your Relationship Problems

We are here to talk Beyond Boundaries and give  Simple Fixes for Your Relationship Problems. We have some tips on how to fix your relationship problems.  These are the quick tips we give beyond just boundary setting, which is huge! There are some other quick down and dirty statements that go beyond boundaries, you can make to stop some troublesome patterns in your relationship. The one mentioned most is walking away. But walking away is a little passive-aggressive if you’re in the middle of something or your partner is in the middle of something and you walk away. You’re going stir them up because they’re not going to know where you are or why you just left, or if you are coming back. That can be hurtful to them.  So instead of just walking away, you can use a bridge statement. You can say, “I’m going to leave, this is getting a little too much, but let’s revisit it after dinner.” Making that statement versus just walking away helps keep it from being torture for the other person. Walking Away Without a Statement Another way to go beyond boundaries is there are times when walking away without a statement is appropriate. The first example walking away with a bridge statement is if someone’s inappropriately aggressive, such as name-calling, yelling aggressively; when you start to experience anxiety discomfort. If they’re passive-aggressive, such as mumbling under their breath, saying something and passing- that’s the time to simply walk away.  What that’s doing is the other person is being inappropriate, and they’re drawing you into an argument you can’t win. Right? You didn’t hear them, they claim they didn’t say anything, so you get into those dead-end fights, going back and forth. Don’t take the bait, and simply ignore it. Walk into the next room,(not angrily) remove yourself. The idea is that your partner needs to learn, and this is how to help them learn that they’ll only get your attention if they approach you appropriately. They’re not going to lose you if they’re not appropriate. One Way Statements When going beyond boundaries, there are one-way Statements or simple statements are where you say what your emotion is in light of what they do. But there are times where just saying how you feel and leaving it at that, has a lot more impact. An example would be, “oh, that hurts.” These statements …