How do you live a stress-free life and relationship?
A lot of people are stressed, but what is the origin of that stress? It could be the kids, it could be work, but you take it out on your spouse, which then looks like a partner or relationship problem. Let’s discuss identifying stress in your relationship.
Where is the stress coming from?
Typically, the stress is hiding somewhere. The key is to look for problems and resolutions. To find the problems and resolutions, let’s focus on three categories:
No Resolution Problem
Does the relationship have any hidden problems with no resolution? Typically, this is a relationship problem where there’s bickering all of the time. If you look closely, the couple is always fighting about the same thing. The details may change, but the problem stays the same. It’s like couples don’t realize they’re fighting about the same thing, or they haven’t used the bickering as a clue that a resolution needs to be found.
A partner is getting mad that their partner isn’t helping with the dishes every night.
A partner gets frustrated every weekend about what to do with the kids. Such as what time to send them to sleep, or who should babysit them.
Those are continuous problems with no resolution. The problem is the continuous stress with no resolution and pre-stress. The pre-stress is what comes up before the actual fight.
Fault’s Resolution Problem
This is the problem where the partner gave a sense that the problem was resolved or where one partner thinks it’s been resolved but for some reason, it falls apart.
One partner agreed to change the destination for the next vacation but then forgot, or doesn’t, and the resolution falls apart.
Unspoken Resolution Problem
These people look like they have a good relationship because they never argue. A lot of times these people have problems no one is talking about. Instead of talking about the problem they grit their teeth and hold it in. This causes chronic stress that never gets resolved.
The problem with all of these stressors is when there’s no resolution to something that means it’s underground, and it’s going to blow at some point. In an inappropriate place, time, or manner.
How do you finally, completely resolve these problems?
Use the template, “ I want to talk to you about X. I believe that Y is happening, which causes me to feel Z. I want to work with you to find a resolution for this problem.”
No resolution problem
“I’d like to talk to you about the dishes. I believe that I have to ask you every night to help me which is causing me to feel irritated. Therefore, I would like to work with you on a resolution to this problem.”
Fault’s resolution problem
“I want to talk to you about the chores. It’s my understanding that we divided up the chores, but I believe you’re not doing yours, which causes me to feel anxious. Therefore, I need to work with you to find a resolution to this problem.”
Unspoken resolution problem
“I need to talk to you about your brother coming over every weekend. I believe that I have not fully expressed my feelings about this, which is causing me to feel stressed. Therefore, I need to work with you to find a solution to this problem.
Using this template gets you around all of the problems with a resolution. This template helps you get to the core of the problem without distractions.
If you found the information on this page helpful, you may also want to check out the Optimal Relationships Daily’s podcast in which Dr. Dabney’s advice on this topic is featured.
For more relationship topics and helpful information, go to www.drldabney.com.
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