Poor Parenting and The Dynamics Behind it

Poor Parenting and The Dynamics Behind it If you think the scariest hood to be in is Parenthood, then you’re right, but there’s a way to make Parenthood a little less scary. A lot of people ask for parenting advice or have parenting questions and poor parenting concerns. This is not just me as a psychiatrist, talking to you, I’m also a parent, and I really believe that parents help parents. Parenting isn’t about a checklist of how to do something right. It’s hard to know when you’ve gone off course, and, if you’re off course, it’s hard to know how to get back on course. If parents help each other out, then we’re helping our whole community and our entire society. I do have adult kids, and I can empathize greatly. I have been through a lot of the struggles that you’ve been through with my patients, my clients, and in my personal life. What are the dynamics behind poor parenting? We hear different names such as a helicopter parent, snowplow parent, and I have a phrase I’ve used for a long time called tractor-trailer parents.  There is a lot of people who are afraid they are one of those parents or worried they’re going to become one of those parents. I always start any session or any treatment by stating, if you understand why poor parenting is happening, then you can stop it. It’s important to understand what’s going on, to see the patterns behind the poor parenting, and to come to realize it’s not what you want to be doing. If you don’t understand the patterns, the dynamics,  and what’s going on underneath; it’s a lot less likely you’re going to figure out what’s wrong and where to go that’s better. The dynamics of the controlling parent The dynamics of the controlling parent, in general, this is the issue here. It’d be easy to say controlling parents are control freaks. That’s part of it because nobody likes to feel out of control and certainly parents don’t want to feel out of control. Parents may fear if they’re losing control, that’s making them a bad parent. Parents are, by definition in control when their kids are not. So it makes sense that control plays a role in all these different parenting issues or problems. It’s not just a lack of loss of control that parents are fighting when …

Letting Go of Adult Children

Letting Go of Adult Children: How to Get to the Other Side of the Grief   Letting go of adult children can be extremely challenging. Some time ago, I spoke with a mother who was having a terrible time with her adult daughter. Her daughter was in her early twenties, living at home. The tension between the parents and child was becoming too much to bear. It was straining to the point of almost breaking what had long been a beautiful relationship.   She fought with her daughter regularly, nagging at her for not getting out of bed until noon and criticizing her for not being more helpful around the house. In essence, she stayed in her role as a parent to a young child while expecting her daughter to act more maturely.   When talking about her struggles, I used a phrase I often use with those who have lost a loved one. I spoke of “getting to the other side of the grief.” Rather than staying stuck on this side of grief, I talked about how rewarding one’s relationship with their adult child can be. To get there, however, parents have to walk through letting go of adult children, letting their kids make their own mistakes and find their paths. My patients breakthrough Today, my patient’s daughter no longer lives at home. She gave her daughter a deadline by which she had to move out and stuck to it. She grieved the entire time; watching her daughter move on was awfully painful. Now, however, she says she’s catching more and more glimpses of her daughter as an adult. They can discuss future career options and have even begun to collaborate on ideas for decorating her apartment.   Of course, allowing her daughter to grow up wasn’t a smooth transition. As my patient put it, letting go was “horrendously painful.” But she recognizes now that without forcing herself to walk through that pain, to “get to the other side of the grief,” they’d still be where they were, arguing and combative and deeply unhappy about their relationship.   Nowadays, many more children live with their parents into adulthood   It’s not an unfamiliar story. Many more children live with their parents into adulthood today than they did even twenty years ago. For many, the decision is primarily financial, and with proper respect for healthy boundaries, such arrangements can work …

Avoid the Holiday Meltdown

  Want to know how to Avoid the holiday meltdown this year? We’re talking about the holiday meltdown to hopefully set in new habits for the next holiday. People struggle with the holidays because they’re so focused on pleasing others. There’s this fantasy that you’re going to hurt somebody, or someone is going to be angry or upset because you didn’t give them what they wanted. Children need to learn that they’re not going to get everything they want for the rest of their lives, and adults should certainly be able to handle this. Let go of that fantasy, and see what really happens. How to Handle the Holiday Meltdown Start talking about the problem or the holiday meltdown in advance. Ask yourself, how the holiday went last year and what you can do now, to avoid the holiday going bad. People get stuck in thinking they have to do a tradition or they’re going to feel bad later. You can not fix a future problem later. The thought process, ” If I don’t see them now, then I am going to feel bad or guilty later.” You are going to feel guilty and sad later because that is a part of life. What Causes the Holiday Meltdown? There are feelings that people have labeled as bad, and feelings that people have labeled as good. There is no such thing. Anger, sadness, neediness are all normal. If you already have issues with these feelings, during the holidays they will get worse. If you think you can’t feel sad any other day of the week, you’re definitely going to think you shouldn’t feel sad during the holidays. That is nonsense, feelings don’t take a hiatus during the holidays. You have to allow yourself the time to process that emotion, whatever the enemy emotion is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, I am going to go take a walk, or a nap, to get that feeling processed. If you can do this in advance, even better! Be Prepared Maybe you get sad about the loss of a parent every holiday, or a child who can’t come home. Go ahead and say this in advance to your family members. Such as, “It turns out I get sad during the holidays, I am going to go ahead and take a break on Christmas Eve to have some time for myself.” Get this all …

Why Do We Always Give More Than We Get??

Hi I am  Dr. Laura Dabney relationship psychiatrist almost forgot my name! This is relationship coach Joelle Brant and we hope you had a fabulous Thanksgiving and I just realized we haven’t even talked about yeah so how was your Thanksgiving good family in town everyone together I feel like I gained a million pounds but good how’s yours good I had family in town and a friend giving friends giving Thanksgiving friends giving so best of both worlds that’s great it was really great and I had your mom’s cake always a huge success truly I’m a foodie people know everybody follows me on Instagram knows my foodie have that kicks of pastry chefs all around the world hmm her mom’s cake is by far everybody comments on I raised about it yes you do it’s good so it’s good beyond that look the Lola list for food is a coveted position whatever I need to do to hold on to that we are here talking about why okay so we tend to talk to people that say since we’re talking about Lola well we have questions this is our welcome at putting out to you anybody who’s squirrelly about coming in meeting help for emotional relationship problems we’re trying to fix that because really I challenge you to find anybody who’s been super successful that they didn’t have a mentor or a guide of some sort so it’s it’s no different you know you have a problem we’re here you’re there just need to give us a call or step in or listen to this we’ll see if we can help you but so we do have a lot of the same questions get asked and so those are the things we were dressing hoping that it reaches you or someone that you know know love and last we saw that we touched on this last week we tend to get a lot the question your why did why does everybody else always get their way or why why did people my lives seem to have a good life and I’m I don’t and we got to the bottom of that being anger is anger is usually an emotion that people want to discard or pretend they don’t have or have labeled it as the bad bad or the enemy emotion right so if you don’t have the …

Anxiety and Phobias the Down and Dirty

Phobias, anxiety, disorders, and the unconscious. hello happy Tuesday!  It is a good Tuesday because I got a visit from Lola.     Just so everyone knows, Lola is my mom she was lives locally around here. Lolo is my dad.  They stopped by after Mass today to drop off some snacks to Dr. Dabney and my dad also wanted to check on her plant.   Also another perfect surprise was Ava just running through the office she’s adorable.   That’s why we couldn’t finish our talk last time about anxiety. I panicked because Joelle was anxious to get her kids so o we had to cut it short.   So we’re not going to do that today.  we’re gonna continue our talk on panic and anxiety good with that so   that’s a good point to point out if you have an anxiety about something then it’s not a mental disorder.   yeah so if you know what the reason is then it’s, actually a normal reaction. a normal reaction that you’re anxious about, like picking up the little munchkins on time.     people come in and anxiety they don’t   know why and that’s when it becomes   interesting or they think they know why   and it might not be the real why right   exactly   so that’s what we dig in and do our work   because that’s really that’s what’s most   exciting it’s like being a detective   because you have to find out what it is   because it’s unconscious right and why is it unconscious because it hurts it hurts right right there’s some pain there there’s something I’m septa below yeah which is painful that you know your brain is smart most people’s brains are sparse it wants to cover up pain it doesn’t want to feel pain so it’s like this jujitsu you’re doing with yourself you like I want to know why they don’t wanna know why I don’t know why but I don’t wanna know so our job is to get glimpses of that as it comes to the surface and pull it out help them understand in a safe place where they know that yes it’s gonna hurt but supposed to get and it’s   brief and it’s not you’re never Burghley and it never hurts as much as they imagined or you imagine that it’s like a it’s like a it’s like …