Spice Up Your Sex Life and Get What You Want in the Bedroom
Contrary to popular belief, there is nothing wrong with what you’re doing, or want to do in the bedroom. As long as both you and your partner are committed to the relationship and open to experimentation. There does not need to be any shame in the bedroom. Period.
But how, you ask? How can I ask my partner for what I want?
Here are 3 tips to a happier bedroom experience and to make it easier to spice up your sex life.
One: Take advantage of the mood and the moment.
Most of my patients find it most comfortable to talk about sex when they’re already having sex. In other words, use the moment to demonstrate what you like, to ask for more of it and to suggest something entirely new. Mood has a way of opening people up to new experiences.
For example, try the following the next time you and your partner find yourselves between the sheets.
- I like it when you do that …
- You seem to like it when I do this …
- Remember the time we … Want to try it again?
- I’ve always had a fantasy about … are you willing to try it with me?
Of course, you’ll want to build your experimental boundaries gradually, so be careful not to ask too much of your partner all at once. No matter how romantic the mood, dramatic changes can kill a moment.
Two: Explore your physical/emotional connection
Nothing will ever progress in your sex life unless your relationship stands on a solid emotional foundation. Experimentation requires trust. Trust that you won’t hurt or betray or shame each other, trust that you’ll respect each other’s boundaries and trust that you will keep your commitments to each other.
I counsel couples and individuals alike to spend as much time reinforcing the emotional core of their relationship as they do the physical core. There are many exercises and conversations that a coach or therapist can facilitate for you. But there are an equal number of conversations that you can and should be having within the privacy or your walls. Before launching into new sexual frontiers to spice up your sex life, take some time to ensure you’re both ready and willing.
Start with one or more of the following:
- Discuss and agree on “reasonable” expectations regarding sexual frequency and intensity.
- Discuss and agree on “reasonable” boundaries for sexual exploration. No matter how long a couple has been together; months, years, or decades, the sex never has to grow old. Keep an open mind and have plenty of curiosity.
- Agree to ban judgemental words like “perverted” or “bad” when discussing sexual ideas. Instead, express your emotional reaction to the idea, such as “That makes me uncomfortable” or “That scares me.”
Three: Seek Guidance
Even when both partners are open to experimentation, the concept of trying something new can be intimidating. The nice thing is that when it comes to sex, the chances are good that someone has already mastered whatever it is you’re considering. I often suggest that couples seek guidance and inspiration from people who know what they’re doing. There are plenty of shame-free opportunities for getting your questions answered.
If you’re interested in trying something new and learning how to spice up your sex life, find the expertise you need in one of the following ways:
- Take advantage of instructional porn (yes, there is such a thing) for how-to guidance on ideas and toys you’ve never tried before.
- Watch porn or adult videos, together with your partner for inspiration.
- Seek expert advice.
- Visit a respected sex shop together and ask for guidance.
- Make a private couples appointment at a lingerie boutique.
- Connect with a Team Dabney coach.
If you have questions about how to get what you want in bed or other aspects of your
sexual life, call us at 757-340-8800 to talk about it for free.
Or you can schedule a call here.
Geography is never a problem, and your access to one of the nation’s top relationship experts is unparalleled.
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