Hidden Toxic Relationship Patterns

It is a runny-nose day! hello Dr. Laura Dabney
and relationship coach Joelle Brant
coming to you live talking about,
well we help executive men with their
relationship problems or power couples
with their relationship problems but
we’re on a mission to help everybody get
some help with emotional or relationship
problems trying to help you overcome any
shame or guilt or anxiety you have about
that it’s sort of like our welcome
mat to  welcome you in to show you how we look and
we talk to you about the same things
we talk to each other about.  yeah in
here and to our patients  we always
ask for people to send in questions
we’ve been hearing from lots of
you so thank you
I was just telling Joelle I got a message from Sam in
Chesapeake wanting us to talk about
toxic relationship patterns.  Hidden! Yes HIDDEN toxic relationship patterns.
I mean I hope none of you are
going duh and there was an obvious toxic
relationship patterns. I don’t want to
assume anything is obvious but there are
some that we when you say or  we talk about,
that people don’t see or it’s
hard for them to see when you point it
out, so yes so those the ones who want to
talk about. Someone is calling right now! Is
it Lola with more food?  we hit the
mother load today Lola is Joelle’s mother she brought us all these tasty
Thank You Lola, too many but
thank you it’s true okay yep so we’re
happy about that.
um that’s toxic food
so the toxic relationship patterns and I
thought was a good segue because we
talked last week about dealing with
toxic people in your life mhm
and really it’s sort of the flip side of
that because with toxic people in your
life you have to get a little distance
with putting up a boundary or leaving if
they’re really toxic but this
is where you can make a change in the
pattern yourself.
so things will improve
you don’t have to change or put distance
for the other person you can make a
change which will bring you closer to
that person because the toxic pattern is
in the way.
so let’s talk about them well
you know what that’s I can actually
there’s probably at least three
categories here so let’s talk about one
per week okay so let’s talk about the
obvious. the obvious one is the screaming
the yelling the swearing the
name-calling right? I mean most people
even if they can’t control that they
know that’s not the best way.  I think yes
they may need help overcoming
so if someone does that in
your life you have to put up a boundary .
might have to say to them that this
can’t work for me, or  that kind of thing if
you do it yourself you need you can’t
stop you can’t control yourself then you
need some help with that.  But there are
some other aggressive toxic relationship
patterns that people don’t realize and
the first one that comes to mind for me
is my very favorite “but I was just
helping the person I was giving advice
and then they get even more mad when I say that
they should be able to handle
criticism or get help.
well right, okay so you just brought up another
one so it’s – it is – there’s two
different versions of this.  yeah okay so
one is criticism where you’re saying so
if something is bothering you and you
say you know it’s rude to be you know  you know two drives
people away you should know that drives
people away whenever you say bla bla bla
dress like that yeah so criticism is
aggressive at nasty whether you
sugarcoat it or not and it’s very hard
people to see.   we’re all adults
right? there is no real rule book I mean
there’s the law that’s one thing but
there’s no other rule book out there so
you opening up the page and saying you
know it’s rude to not put your napkin in
your lap or whatever the situation is is
really condescending judgmental.
If it is judgmental and it it’s not effective so
you’re actually going to irritate the
person so you’ve lost an ally. but if
you’re doing that to cover up something
that’s bothering you then you’re not
getting that point out.  You know it’s
it’s rude to run around the house and
get ready for the guests when I’m
sitting here doing nothing to do or I say I
thought we were going watch football with me.
criticizing them is not gonna get that
point across to say, “You know I was
kind of annoyed that you’re running
around instead of  watching football with me as we agreed.”
It is a much better way to go around about
that.  She just had to mention football.
Joelle’s husband is an Eagles fan
Joelle is a Giants fan so it was a very
painful week for her.
so let’s bring it back let’s bring it
back so then so that’s the criticism
where you’re a little you know nasty but
the helping is harder to see because you
think you’re being helpful helpful. let
me help you with that, let me help you
with this let me help you with that
people do that with the false notion
that either karma I put all good out
good and people there is no karma to squash
that bug for you but it is not there
okay it doesn’t come back around and
then you’re keeping track I did 10 good
things one good thing happened and you’re gonna
be resentful mm-hmm that’s gonna be a
witch okay and the other good thing you
know is if I do enough good for him
he’ll finally get the message and then
do something good for me doesn’t work
that way if you if you need him to do or
her to do something for you you have to
ask this game of I did 10 chores you
haven’t done one it is a roundabout
ineffective wedge building way of going
about simply saying look I need you to
pick up the trash take out the trash or
pick up the vacuum cleaner and vacuum
I’m feeling overwhelmed yeah so much
easier and then usually that response
that you get after saying that is oh
okay right and it gets done but what
happens when you say that so when we
tell people why did you just ask him to
do the chore people say a lot of times
well I get he’s not gonna do it he’s
just gonna get mad if I ask yeah so
you’re using this fantasy possible
answer as a way to not say what you want
and go around in circles I mean it just
gives me a headache I know so right we
know the obvious aggression the more
subtle criticism or if I put help out
there it’ll come back to me are the more
hidden ones yeah so if you’re
responsible for any of those yeah try to
divert to simply saying what you need
without that sprinkle of criticism or
advice or help and there will be your
relationship for it trust us we do this
we how many times every day we talk
about this literally yes at least once a
day it’s simple times a day okay we’ll
be back so next week I’m more hidden
okay there’s two more categories that
most people are just blown away when I
say that that’s actually putting a wedge
in your relationship and not helping so
stay tuned alright see you next week bye