I don’t know if there’s really one answer right probably multi-fold reasons or it could be one reason for someone another reason for another but it usually kind of comes down to a few tendencies I think or a combination of these tendencies that we’ve touched on before but maybe we talked about the combination how it’s like a lethal combination of tendencies so we talked about red flags.
There are people who have obvious obvious obvious problems with relationships or relating to people and there are people who miss those red flags yeah they don’t want to see them for one reason or another we usually talk about those red flags sort of I’ve written paper where they listed 50 of them so instead of doing that they tend to fall into these categories one being self-care.
I’m not able to care for themselves and that could be can’t hold a job self-mutilate sore self harms those kinds of things like always being late is one thing right that I’m late ya know that y’all mentioned right that often leads to well that sometimes leads to not be able to care for himself right now you have a job or get through a degree or an education, impulsivity, lack of being able to control oneself, drinking too much, spending too much all the time. We’re not talking about once in a while we’re talking about somebody who chronic or habitually does this. Somebody who does not follow the law. It’s like cheating, this person isn’t following the rules, does not think the rules of society apply to them so they’re not going to follow the rules in a relationship.
Lack of empathy, such as being late- to they don’t care about your time. Or they don’t care about your issues or your concerns they don’t matter to them. They don’t take it seriously. They’re not going to if you have a problem they’re not gonna take it seriously these are people you know they just can’t do the give-and-take of a relationship. Their needs count more than yours. They take but can’t give whereas the ideal relationship is a balance of both.
What happens with the people who can’t see the red flags? A lot of times that is if they can’t see those red flags it boils not to critical judgment being able to on your own realize okay this is a not a good person for me and that could be too different I’ve seen it two different times you know you have one where there’s someone who let’s say always pick someone that they feel like they have to save and take care of or and then like why do I always pick these type of people and then you also have the people that are in you know we were just talking about this but abuse of relationships you know sometimes you’ve noticed if somebody has been in one abusive relationship you hear about them being in more than one.
That shows that their critical judgment they’re taking these people who probably have shown these red flags of some sort but they choose not to see them yes so they choose not to see them typically because of the critical judgment is Joe all the same so when somebody these people see the red flag but they do they talk themselves out of it because of guilt so picking the wrong mate often involves excessive or inappropriate guilt.
That person who can’t chronically hold a job well “Who am I to talk, Who am I to say I can’t pick you because you can’t hold a job when I’ve had a couple of jobs in my life.” They do this talking themselves out of it or they try to justify it in their own head. It’s another way of dealing with the excessive guilt, they feel it’s mean. The whole don’t judge a book by its cover- listen, people, you want to judge people by their cover or listen to your gut- instincts. I mean I think that’s one thing that people don’t realize you have to trust your instincts, your instincts usually are on point.
They’re telling you something for a reason. I always caution my parents in session to not tell their kids to play with so-and-so doesn’t matter if you think there’s something weird about them. We want to caution our children not to say that out loud to the person but we do want them to start listening to what they think or feel or red flags for just this reason.
50% of relationships marriages end in divorce, second marriages are 75% and the third marriages are 85%. It keeps going up because a lot of people get divorced because they’re picking the wrong person. so that excessive guilt plays out with the talking yourself out of it justifying the behavior and turning it around to its opposite. Not that I have to get away from the person but I have to tell help them stay with them save them fix them all right yeah and that whatever that fairytale anything is in your mind never happens does it ever happen never happens. People who have red flags though I mean it would take us what how long I mean several times a week for many many years to straighten that person out.
The red flag behavior is called a red flag for a reason it’s dangerous and they are not easily fixed treated dealt with. That’s a very important distinction now I get asked this a lot so I’m going to go here but people make mistakes.
Do you think anybody makes a mistake is a red flag person? The answer is no. How do you distinguish if the person has made a terrible error and judgment or is a red flag person? I call it a pink flag, it’s really not a red flag until you’ve tested it. Look at the difference if the person is late let’s say that’s a good example or something late for your first day late for your second date if you gave them a second date and you say okay person’s red flag and off you go but if you say hey you know you’ve been late a couple of times its kind of bothersome to me is there something going on and that person says I’m sorry I didn’t realize yes this is what happened but it’s empathetic or just really like I’m sorry then it’s not a red flag because they have empathy. If they say it was only ten minutes that’s a red flag. If they’re blaming you, like what’s your problem? you need to calm down, not be so uptight about time- red flags.
So it’s really a pink flag until you test it and their answer will tell you all you need to know. People say, “well I need to give them at least a few months.” No there’s nothing written down about time here people. There’s nothing saying you have to give anybody X amount of time. If someone’s rude or inappropriate on the first date, off you go. I’ve taught people this and they’ve put the money down said thank you very much for the drink nice chatting with you but this isn’t gonna work out and they leave before the dinner comes.
There you go because they don’t want to be mistreated and you should it’s if you want to be mistreated if you’re allowing Yourself be mistreated a therapy issue right there our coaching issue mm-hmm that’s the boundaries I mean that’s another we didn’t even get to that but that’s definitely another thing when it comes to picking the wrong pea message and we can answer it alright see you soon borrowing any furniture hurricanes he’s way behind I know alright see ya, bye.
“Why am I always choosing the wrong person?” It also can be not just critical judgment but your boundary setting. If you have trouble setting your own boundaries and you feel like “oh I need to give this person a chance or I need to allow this” you don’t need to allow it and shouldn’t because it’s not going to go anywhere. It’s not healthy when you do that and you’re just setting yourself up. Think about how unfair it is to that person if you’re sentencing or knowing in your head this isn’t going to work out and yet you still go through with it.
They want to use your empathy use it in that way, not in me I’m going to cave and try to help this person or tolerate this behavior be the better person it’s not a better person to allow bad behavior to continue it’s all fantasy we tell ourselves yeah okay so dump the red flag person well test it first and then dump the red flag person do yourself a favor see if it’s a check out the pink flags yes first don’t be a statistic yes please don’t please pass this on for those people who you know they keep picking the wrong person because sometimes they don’t realize it and you just letting them know I think this is a red flag person and the sending our video might do the trick