Hello again!
Dr. Laura Dabney and Joelle Brant, life coach, here—we’re helping men, especially executive men, with relationship challenges.

We’re also helping everyone overcome the fear of seeking support from mental health professionals when it comes to emotions and relationships. The truth is, almost everyone dealing with emotional issues ends up facing relationship issues too. It might not always be a major relationship problem, but it definitely affects the relationship.

We were laughing earlier because we keep getting questions and feedback about our episodes on boundaries. We’ve had two write-ins specifically about boundary discussions, and they’ve been a big hit—clearly, this is a topic that resonates.

Another issue that’s come up recently is our conversations with reporters. That’s been a big shift in our practice. If you’ve noticed on Instagram and Facebook, we’ve been quoted in more articles lately. And one topic keeps coming up again and again: sociopaths.

Apparently, there’s some YouTube drama going on—someone accused another person of being a sociopath, and now there’s debate over whether it’s true. That’s part of it, but sociopathy is a big topic. Let us know if you want us to revisit it—we’ve talked about it a lot, maybe too much. It’s not a fun experience, and we’ve had our share.

Today, though, we’re diving back into boundaries—with a twist:
How do you set boundaries and enforce them without being the “bad guy”?

We get this question in sessions all the time. We’ve already covered what boundaries are and why you need them—check out our “paprika” episode for that one. Yes, the paprika example! Joelle even has a paprika shirt—don’t forget to get me one too!

So, boundaries are important. Once you understand what they are and why you need them, the next step is learning how to set them.

People often worry about being the “bad guy” when expressing negative feelings or setting boundaries. There’s this strange connection—like if you admit to having a negative feeling, you’re automatically the villain. That doesn’t make sense, but it’s a deeply ingrained belief for many. We’re always working to break that link.

I just had a session where I asked, “Why is it bad to say what you’re really feeling to someone you’re married to?” Where’s the honesty and openness? There are good and bad ways to express how you feel. It’s not what you say—it’s how you say it.

So let’s talk about the bad ways to set boundaries:

• Giving orders: “You’re not allowed to go out anymore.” That doesn’t work.
• Criticizing: “No one in their right mind would do that,” or “A good spouse wouldn’t leave me.”
• Threatening: “If you go on your girls’ trip, I’ll go on a golf trip,” or “If you invite that person over, I’ll move to Hawaii.”

These approaches—orders, criticism, threats—don’t work. They only escalate conflict.

Instead, here’s a tool I give my patients:
The “I feel X when you do Y” template.
Yes, we’re going back to algebra!

This approach removes the criticism, threats, and orders. You start with how you feel, which makes it personal and less accusatory. You’re owning your emotions.

For example:
“I feel frustrated that we’ve gone to your parents for Thanksgiving every year.”
Then follow up with:
“I’d like us to come up with a new plan going forward.”

This keeps the other person off the defensive and opens the door to a real conversation. You’re expressing your needs without attacking.

Another example:
“It’s frustrating when you’re late. I need you to make an effort to be on time for our dates and appointments.”

Setting boundaries is essential because repeated small invasions—like someone assuming you’ll always do something—build up over time and lead to resentment. We often talk about big invasions like physical or sexual assault, but these smaller ones matter too.

One of my clients is currently struggling to set boundaries with her teenager. She never had boundaries with her child before, and now it’s tough to introduce them. But it’s necessary. Teenagers learn how to set boundaries by watching how you do it. If you can set boundaries without a “kerfuffle”—I love that word!—then your child learns that it’s okay to speak up and protect their space.

So yes, setting boundaries with teenagers is crucial. And no, it doesn’t make you the bad guy.

This idea that saying “no” makes you a bad person? Not true. In fact, always saying “yes” and never setting limits allows others to walk all over you. That erodes relationships over time.

Think of it like parenting: if your child runs into the street, you pull them back—even if they cry or get mad. Why? Because you see the bigger picture. You’re protecting them.

It’s the same with boundaries. Saying “no” now protects the relationship in the long run.

You can say:
“I’m so sorry, that’s not going to work for me. Thank you for asking.”
No bad guy there. Feel free to borrow that line!

Boundaries matter—with teenagers, spouses, friends, everyone.
Boundaries are our friends.

So share this with anyone who might need help with boundaries. Feel free to pass it along or send us your boundary questions via Facebook, email, phone, or Instagram—we’d love to hear from you.

Thanks for joining us. See you soon!