Why Do We Always Give More Than We Get??

Hi I am  Dr. Laura Dabney relationship
psychiatrist almost forgot my name!
This is relationship coach Joelle
Brant and we hope you had a fabulous
Thanksgiving and I just realized we
haven’t even talked about yeah so how
was your Thanksgiving good family in
town everyone together I feel like I
gained a million pounds but good how’s
yours good I had family in town and a
friend giving friends giving
Thanksgiving friends giving so best of
both worlds that’s great it was really
great and I had your mom’s cake always a
huge success truly I’m a foodie people
know everybody follows me on Instagram
knows my foodie have that kicks of
pastry chefs all around the world hmm
her mom’s cake is by far everybody
comments on I raised about it yes you do
it’s good so it’s good beyond that look
the Lola list for food is a coveted
position whatever I need to do to hold
on to that we are here talking about why
okay so we tend to talk to people that
say since we’re talking about Lola well
we have questions this is our welcome at
putting out to you anybody who’s
squirrelly about coming in meeting help
for emotional relationship problems
we’re trying to fix that because really
I challenge you to find anybody who’s
been super successful that they didn’t
have a mentor or a guide of some sort so
it’s it’s no different you know you have
a problem we’re here you’re there just
need to give us a call or step in or
listen to this we’ll see if we can help
you but so we do have a lot of the same
questions get asked and so those are the
things we were dressing hoping that it
reaches you or someone that you know
know love
and last we saw that we touched on this
last week we tend to get a lot the
question your why did why does everybody
always get their way or why why did
people my lives seem to have a good life
and I’m I don’t and we got to the bottom
of that being anger is anger is usually
an emotion that people want to discard
or pretend they don’t have or have
labeled it as the bad bad or the enemy
emotion right so if you don’t have the
capacity if you’re fighting off anger
then you’re not using anger as your
alarm bell and that’s the first step to
setting boundaries so well and I’ve
talked a lot about setting boundaries
how to set boundaries go back through
the last few videos and you’ll see
because good boundaries make good
relationships but before you can get to
I need to set a boundary you have to be
aware of the alarm bell yeah somebody’s
mistreating me and that’s anger a lot of
the time okay so if you have to be able
to say Oh be able to sit with that we
say explore them why am i angry what
happened what happened and then you can
kind of find your boundary from there
sometimes exactly so bright you got
except there and think okay was it this
time because it’s typically not we
typically do this a little bit later
right so we straight up well something
to think back to your day or through
that conversation or exactly where was
that and then you start realize okay
well it’s annoyance to me and we have to
set a boundary which boundary and how is
the next step the patience I would say
it’s almost like you’re saying if you if
you sing angers bad and it shouldn’t be
angry I just gonna shove it away it’s
almost like saying I’m not listening to
that I’m not gonna listen to the smoke
alarm yeah yeah what smoke alarm I don’t
like it hurts my ears I don’t want to
listen I’m going to ignore it yeah is
that going to look make sure there’s no
real fire right what if there’s a fire
instead of a big bath you can pack out
of here or I need to put it out or
something right so ignoring your anger
is just like ignoring any other kind of
alarm right I’ll go do that in the
morning there’s news alarm that’s a
little different but you get alarms this
is a natural smelling smoke there’s
another one smelling smoke is a natural
it’s your body’s Way of telling you
something’s wrong hmm anger is your
body’s Way of telling us means wrong
there’s no such thing no such thing as a
bad or wrong emotion okay so now what’s
our other friends topic or other our
frenemy or frenemy emotion neediness
they didn’t this is our other alarm
people with between anger and neediness
these are the two emotion that people
fight yep right they just it’s wrong to
be needy I’m not needy
its weak I have to take care of
everybody else nobody needs to take care
of me I take care of everyone else yeah
so people are just getting rid of it
squashing it shoving it away
and again you’re missing a an alarm bell
that says I need attention right this
the anger is somebody needs to be
removed typically or something needs to
be removed that person is doing but
neediness is your alarm that I have to
stop giving and give here or get yeah
Lester I was pointing out a lot of
people tend to black or white this or
you know make this a split in some way
either I’m a giver I’m a getter I can’t
be any I can’t be a getter one who takes
you take her that makes me look a
moocher yeah yeah all these negative
yeah but ideally like when we talk about
almost all emotions we want to be able
move smoothly in and out Hollywood all
right it’s very fluid
give her a taker but you have to know
which you are in the moment and the only
way to know is to be comfortable with
neediness so if I say to you right now
how do you deal with neediness and if
anywhere in there you end I don’t need
oh but not needy needy yeah yeah I’m not
really needy really big meanie maybe I
just once in a while need a little
something so if you do any of that
qualifying or defending or any of that
you found your enemy emotion yeah and we
have to help you make friends with that
emotion now laughing because I had a
patient this morning who I said I need
you to start being friends with that
emotion Hurst was needed is she went
visceral reaction emotional response
because you hit you know nerve it’s true
she did not something something wrong
with meanness nothing at all I think
that people think of I don’t know needy
people you’re thinking you think of
somebody else
you think of someone who doesn’t know
how to control themselves there don’t
have empathy they like a child either
yeah that’s right or like children if I
haven’t learned how to control it yeah
that’s a different problem I get people
who ask and ask and asking don’t listen
to your boundaries or spread their news
all over the place is because they have
a lack of control they’re not empathic –
I asked her last time I’m gonna she’s in
a bad state I’m not gonna ask her me on
somebody else you know it’s not the
neediness that’s the problem
yeah it’s how they’re handling the
neediness it’s like we don’t put people
people who shoots a teller at a bank
we don’t say your anger was wrong for
being angry or needing money nothing
wrong with those two things are normal
but shooting the person is a problem yes
rights how they handled the emotion that
can be a problem yes so same thing if I
ask you how do you typically deal with
anger interview right there went oh I’m
not an angry person which I hear all the
time I don’t want to hurt anybody jump
from anger to hurting somebody is not
supposed to be there right like that why
are they together right like these is
weakness they don’t you’re not linked
but people link them and then they bury
that yes we need to break those links
yes yes that’s exactly what we do in
treatment we this spend lots of time
trying to unhook those links been there
almost we unhooked them and they’re able
to examine the neediness just like with
anger they can find out where the
problem is
right and then they can put up that
boundary no I’m sorry
saying no you know I’m sorry I can’t
host the party for whoever this one
foundation this weekend I mean my
weekend to myself I need to restore
rejuvenate whatever whatever you need so
being able to say no yeah and that’s the
root cause of those of you out there who
can never say no and then you’re super
super reason full hmm right because
that’s the next part you bury an emotion
it comes back to haunt you sure then
you’re pissed off and someone ask you
for something
it’s not their job to keep track of your
neediness yes
level of need it’s your job so instead
of being angry at everybody else around
you for not giving more not going while
she gave this much so I need to give
this much no one’s doing that
calculation in their head they can’t
it’s like reading your mind yeah cannot
do it still we talk like this
so you have to be aware of your level of
neediness and giving and where are you
at for it to be fair you’re in charge of
it being fair yeah you’re even just
because saying it like okay I need help
instead of yeah the passive-aggressive
way of making comments of it or
something along those lines people don’t
know how to deal with neediness I tend
to see that a lot
your first thing to tell that sorry it
happened to go up this board okay yes it
did a particular this morning so and
it’s not like the need but Lolo made a
nice plant for our office like Danilo is
Joelle’s father and my dad so he did a
great floral arrangement and you know if
he pays for product obviously we
reimburse him that’s just how it is but
my mom also sent in with the receipts a
bag of granola so I just laughed because
part of me was telling dr. daddy I’m
like I don’t it’s like here’s some
because I need to get paid back but
here’s a granola to make it another
enemy emotion is like a little quiz
right it wasn’t a cake level receipt was
this a granola level just a gift she
can’t just ask I know she like she
didn’t need to I mean what she loves to
do that regardless my mom when she makes
stuff she likes to share it has a big
heart but it is funny to me that it just
because the fact that we’re giving
receipts she felt the need to give to
get something yeah you don’t have to
really hard for me too I don’t want
listen this is that we’re just stop
giving her no she’s no worker no I don’t
have to give I can just take without
giving all the time let me give the if
they’re gonna let another time you don’t
have to give it with their society
it really did happen this morning yeah
yeah this paper bag she’s like you’re
not gonna believe I’m a little receipt
so if you constantly feel like life is
unfair because you’re always giving
giving giving it nobody has secretly
picked up on this bag and giving you
back then you got the befriend your
neediness understand it’s totally normal
to biological you were born with it yes
and that is what we use to say no and
build ourselves back up until we’re at
the point and you you’ll it’ll come back
the urge to give will come back yes and
all you have to do is wait for that to
come back and then you can start giving
again it’s more like a tide in now if
this has spoken to you meant something
to you or you think it’d be help you
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thanks so much see you soon