Why can’t we enjoy the holidays without the meltdown??

hi everybody it is Tuesday right yes it

is Tuesday I don’t have Joelle with me
today though because we were crazy busy
all day now she has to go pick up her
kids so I’m coming to you live alone
this time so it’s nice to see you all I
been wanting to talk about the holiday
meltdown okay since before Thanksgiving
because so many people come to me with
this history of going going going going
going and then crashing and so I
typically don’t hear about the crash
till after the crash
right so they everybody goes off to
their holidays a breeze fine and then
they come back uh uh you know with all
the complaints and frustrations so we
don’t want you to do that this year as I
always tell my patients how about we
think about the things that are coming
up not just the things that have passed
and if you have this history of melting
down I just wanted to talk to you about
that and you know who you are
it doesn’t mean you have to it doesn’t
it’s not going to take something away
from the holidays to think about this in
advance we’re gonna add something the
holiday is by doing a preemptive strike
I was called it’s pre interest rate
preemptive strike here we’re gonna solve
this before it happens okay and then
make the holiday a whole lot better not
only for you but everybody else so what
I’ve found over the 20 years of doing
this is that that meltdown tends to
always come because of a imbalance okay
so there’s that I’m doing everything and
nobody else is doing anything imbalance
right sound familiar right this distance
and this he’s not doing that she’s not
doing that she’s getting her nails done
and I’m doing oh okay so you start doing
that in your head you know it’s a
problem so we’re gonna talk about all
the reasons why that balance comes up
for starters you are probably doing this
all in your head okay so you get caught
up in their traditions in the pressure
from society maybe some pressure from
the family and you go right into right
the mood holidays and whatever holiday
it is I’m gonna go into the mode and not
think stop and think okay thinking caps
on together and try to think of what is
it that you want so you’re gonna start
with not have to say do you think just
yet but what in here do you want so have
the whole list of what everybody else
wants with that you can hold on to that
but just add to it what do you want
and then the sooner you get this out on
the table the better okay don’t have to
sit there and wait until someone doesn’t
figure it out we talking here a lot
about expressing what you want
expressing what you feel I remember our
last video last couple videos ago we
talked about neediness neediness is not
a bad thing meaning this does not make
you weak mean wimpy childish neediness
is a normal human emotion if you can get
comfortable with that then you can sit
with that neediness figure out okay this
year I need X Y & Z because last year I
didn’t get it and there was a problem
right so get that spelled out just it
should be just as clear to you what you
want is what everybody else wants right
you think you okay know exactly what
this kid want that kid wants what my
husband wants my wife wants what my mom
wants but you don’t stop the same I know
exactly what I want or need and then
have that talk have it now people have
it now don’t wait until the tree is up
and the gifts are out for you are bummed
all right so I mean this I
there this is what I expect this is what
I’d like can we make this work with your
significant other so you’re all on the
same page well at least the both of you
are on the same page and can they just
like have an ally through the holidays
okay you something you against anybody
it’s gonna be you two figuring out how
to make both of what you want in need
work all right so go ahead and have that
discussion the other thing I see all the
time is you don’t want to cross anybody
off the list it there’s some fantasy
some really distorted reality if you
cross somebody off your list whatever it
is the Christmas card or the gift or
though whatever that the party that you
are going to crush them yeah Lord we so
disappointed they’re not be able to
handle it dr. Dabney oh my gosh they
look forward to that every year every
year they thank me and they really would
look forward to that nice cake I make
every year that lawn mower I give them
every year whatever whatever it is okay
you don’t have that much power in
someone else’s life okay this may be a
little different with a child I’m
talking about the adults in your life
who year after year you give the gift
and let’s face it they don’t give one to
you and you feel disappointed and then
you start kind of feeling negative
towards them but it’s not them it’s you
you have set something up that they
weren’t involved in or they’ve never
been involved in and you’re getting the
message okay so here here here’s
permission go ahead take them off the
list it doesn’t mean you don’t be
friends with them afterwards
it doesn’t mean you’d if they do notice
it doesn’t mean you can’t then say oh
I’m so sorry it just didn’t make my list
this year let’s go out to lunch I mean
you can make up for it and I rarely if
ever seen this happen where they
actually come back and say oh I missed
that gift but if they do then you can do
something about it but to sit here and
assume that they’re gonna be crushed and
do all this stuff get yourself all
worked up because they may be crushed
really makes no sense okay so go ahead
take them off your list
and then if something happens you can
let them know another trick I have is
the other option is to instead of saying
I’m getting you a gift you get me a gift
you can recommend an exchange so hey how
about you know this year for holidays
your reader I’m a reader but we
exchanged our favorite book or I I don’t
know I I need help with my computer and
you’re really good at doing that thing
let’s have a little exchange of help or
assistance that way you’re doing
something together don’t get that
resentment if they once again don’t get
you a gift okay lastly there is this
idea that goes around it’s totally not
true and that is I’ve got to spend this
year with so-and-so because she might be
dead next year right I see with older
parents with grandparents but also and
so people know this is a very bad idea
for so many reasons
for starters again you’re doing this I’m
going to do something now to protect
myself from having a feeling in the
future typically people say oh I’m
Phyllis dies and March I’m gonna feel so
guilty I didn’t spend Christmas with her
you can’t solve future problems
you just can’t it’s all future you can’t
stop repealing a future feeling that’s
what I’m saying you can’t do it it’s not
possible and you don’t need to okay
your cable adult if you get those
feelings later on you can deal with them
to do something for on Phyllis now when
you don’t really want to or are over the
edge is not fair Don Phyllis okay that’s
not fair
it’s much less fair I’m getting a copy
this less much less fair then pretending
you want to spend Christmas with her so
you don’t feel guilty in March
she dies there’s nothing logical there
okay you have to you should be promoting
healthy intimate relationships that are
honest okay
so getting getting a with Phyllis and
then being resentful she’s gonna figure
it she’s gonna feel it
resentful or you’re gonna be blowing up
at somebody else later on is good okay
if you fit if you can’t this year if you
already committed or if you feel too
guilty to leave someone out of your
Christmas plans or your Hanukkah plans
or your whatever New Year’s plans but
ever the holiday is think of something
else that works better for you
maybe you want to give up to us a call
you have a special arranged special call
with her while you’re off on your
Christmas holiday in the Caribbean or
maybe you want to have a special lunch
with her after the whole craziness is
over that makes a lot more sense and
will be a lot more effective than just
doing it out of a guilt trip okay so
here are some hopefully helpful ideas
for you to start that holiday season off
right no need for a meltdown no need for
you to deny yourself it’ll be a lot more
intimate and a lot more effective okay
so I’m actually gonna come back I have a
few more tips on all that I also list
them on Instagram over the next couple
of weeks so if you missed them here
they’re gonna be on Instagram as well
but next Tuesday I’ll be back with the
rest of them okay so thank you very much
and I’ll see y’all then and oh if we can
do anything further for you if you wants
more information on any of this give us
a call seven five seven three four zero
8800 thanks you guys