Relationship Patterns and Passivity Part 2

Relationship Patterns and Passivity
back hi relationship psychiatrist dr.
Laura Dabney relationship coach Joelle
we’re continuing our chat on toxic
relationship patterns this is a good one
because people come to us and say
something’s wrong with my relationship
I’m unhappy with it but they’re not able
to say what’s going on yeah except for
maybe you know some details here and
there but they’re not able to see the
overall picture correct right so we’re
always encouraging you to I think people
call it coming out of the weeds stepping
above the weeds and looking in you know
what’s going on yes so last week was
sort of our on the intro to issues intro
to issues right basically aggressive
toxic aggressive patterns are toxic now
we talked about constructive aggression
being boundary setting but then last
week we talked about destructive
aggression which hurts the relationship
and just briefly those are criticizing
helping when you’ve not been asked
controlling controlling something trying
to get someone on the same page as you
not letting someone be on a separate
package so today I said we were gonna
talk about something that’s less obvious
and that is passivity yeah I mean how
many times have people come in and say
well I just let him have his way because
then there wouldn’t be a fight it’s just
easier it’s just easier and I say is
this easy okay you haven’t described one
thing that’s easy or they get their way
but then you’re so angry and then it
manifests in a different way and that’s
destructive passivity so a lot of people
think passivity is kind and will get
people to love you if I just let
everybody have their way they’re gonna
love me so much but it never happens it
doesn’t work that way so there is
constructive passive
and then there’s destructive passivity I
had people looking at me then when I say
that like I’ve got to frickin heads
right like when we say the Browns are
gonna win the Super Bowl right that’s
that kind of stupid statement it does
not work let’s think about it for a
second your poor husband
my poor husband’s a Browns fan so he
could move along we’re in the season of
bargain in the bargaining season that oh
yes the season of hope now in the
bargaining if they could just if they
would only if this who do see mean how I
say as long as they con doesn’t get hurt
it’s okay for the season for my Giants
yes something like that okay and then I
don’t know if you do but he goes into
the capitulation phase which is around
Thanksgiving the morning the grieving is
not gonna happen
and no one get there we switched to the
Patriots games ride this is oh okay wait
I have two realest it all right so sorry
guys football we could talk about that
for hours so when it comes to the past
passivity yes what would be the biggest
one that you think that people don’t
realize is not is like the destructive
passivity right so the director
passivity tends to be giving in to
something when you don’t want to okay
you’re pretending lying shall we say but
you’re okay with going to the in-laws
for the 600 Thanksgiving in a row okay
when you don’t really feel that way okay
all right so this is not a good thing
the destructive path so VI always
compared to like you’re going down the
street and it’s a child or an animals in
the road and you just keep on walking
right and there’s a car coming
all right so that’s just something
that’s gonna happen and you just kept
walking yeah not judging just saying
it’s not doing something that moment
problems gonna happen not admitting that
you don’t want to go somewhere or do
something when somebody does is is that
happening it’s a car coming into your
life it’s going to be a problem either
and you brought this up already either
that resentment of half
to do it is going to make you blow up at
some point or do something
passive-aggressive that’s where that
comes from by the way or your partner is
not going to think you’re lovely and
kind and the best thing in the whole
world they’re gonna think you’re not
interested never involved don’t care
that brings another one up you know the
spacing out yes or just not paying
attention or just not being there yes
that’s another passive destructive we
get this confused too so it’s another
destructive passive yes it is because
you think these people who do this think
that they’re being kind by letting the
person well they need to vent they need
to go on no they may need to but you do
not have to do this yeah if you think
the first other person doesn’t notice
that you’re wrong and that’s where
that’s the car in the intersection
people and what’s the third one well
alcohol abuse substances substance abuse
in general is another way of
disappearing yeah right it’s true you
aren’t there you may think oh this is
helping my mood so it’s gonna help our
relationship never happens that way
right yeah the other person feels you’re
you have another almost like having the
relationship another outlet versus
talking to them right right so that’s
another one we also talked about leaving
so one of the boundary settings that we
talked about in several videos ago was
to leave if someone is mistreating you
if they you yelling cursing whatever
calling you names it starts to make you
anxious or scared for your well-being
then we always advise that you leave now
that is actually a destructive passive
move if unless you make a statement
first if you just leave the person’s
left hanging are you coming back what’s
going on why are you like or they’re
just like okay you’ve got my point I
think they won
they’re in agreement but in fact the
just the constructive passive way to
deal with that and say look I’m getting
anxious and scared because you are now I
feel out of control I cannot have this
discussion with you any further going
for a car ride I’ll be back at 9
whatever that’s the line dad so you can
be passive and not destroy your
relationship because that’s constructive
you’re telling them this is what’s
happening and you’re giving them an idea
of what’s going through your head
exactly nobody is a mind reader how many
times have you said that several times a
day no myhres psychic psychiatrist you
know we don’t really read minds either
but we see these patterns and people
think oh how did you know that I that’s
what we do if you do you tend to go with
one or the other
yeah you do the aggression constructive
pattern the destructive aggression need
to make make something simpler
destructive construction destructive
aggression pattern or destructive
passive pattern that tends to be your
modalities around so that’s a good thing
to check see what you do and try to
change that yes it helps it helps I mean
a small it is amazing to me how many
times I know I for at least four people
that I’ve talked to you when I’ve dealt
with other people’s relationships is
that one small significant change in a
sense of verbalizing you know okay I’m
walking away from this fight or this is
not working I need a moment and they
walk away it makes all that difference
because the person the other person is
like oh right they’re not just storming
off they just need a moment and then you
have a better chance when you come back
together and have that discussion get
better and it’s an easier way for people
to stay like you said you can’t force
someone to be on the same page but when
you walk away and come back it’s an
easier way to be on different pages and
be okay with that right let it be notice
we’re talking in here about in our
videos about how you can make changes
that’s a key piece right mm-hmm we’re
not talking about BD on someone else to
change because that is say it with us
destructive progression we want you to
make these changes you can do this you
can make your own relationship changes
it’s true you don’t have to change the
other person which intent is impossible
it’s crazy though because sometimes the
changes that you make in yourself they
notice and then sometimes that brings
them to kind of they start picking up on
it pick up on it they may be more
attentive and then in your head you’re
like they start to get healthier it’s
not even conscious I don’t think mm but
I know I Dart
you’re right video that’s how you’re
handling it I’m gonna try to handle it
that way so all good things here people
so if you this hits a nerve with you
like love it pass it on and stay tuned
because next week there’s one author one
last category of toxic relationship
patterns that I bet you don’t know about
I wonder if I even know that at this
point you know okay yeah no no I’m just
definitely share this call us um please
you know oh oh oh I do we had a we had a
request about what if someone says suck
it up to your and that’s a passive that
means they want you to be passive and
now you get to say sucking it up and not
saying anything would be destructive to
me and our relationship so I will not
suck it up and then you might want to
consider that person as a red flag
person all right thank you again