What if YOU are the Toxic Person in your Relationships

    What if you are the toxic person in your relationships? Some people who come to me with the chief complaint that a lot of their relationships are unfulfilled, unhappy and/or stressful.. have enough insight to say, “I’m the common denominator.”  It’s always a very moving point because to help yourself, that insight is invaluable and it’s also rare. If you are able to see that something’s not right even if you don’t know what it is, you’re halfway there. How can I tell? How do I tell if someone may have trouble relating to people? Everybody has relationships that don’t go well and this is all sort of a gray or fine line area. But if the majority of your relationships are not fulfilling, or end up with a lot of acting out or abandonment, then it’s certainly worth checking out. Red flags There are red flags that let me know that the ability to handle relationships are off and they may be the toxic person in the relationship. What are those red flags? Do you have arguments with anybody more than once a month? It’s not the norm for people to have arguments erupting a lot. That may be a sign. Similarly, if you never have arguments, especially with your partner.  So arguing a lot or not arguing at all. When there’s a problem in your relationship and you have no idea what to do, ever. That’s a sign as well. Parents who have children who never rebelled. That sounds odd, but it’s not right. That means that you aren’t able to handle give-and-take and some friction. If I hear a parent say their 22-year-old child never gave them a moment’s trouble. That’s a sign that you may have difficulty with relationships. This is a sensitive topic. But the same thing with kids, if you have let a child go, for example, you let your ex take full custody and it doesn’t bother you all that much, that’s a bad sign. I’m not talking about the people who have certain circumstances and had to let a child go and it’s heartache in you. That’s different than the person who doesn’t have that heartache. These are people who say things like, “well I had the child too young and I’m going to live my life now. The people who rather party than getting part custody or full custody …

Do You Feel Like You are Always Giving Too Much?

Do you feel like you are always giving too much and not getting anything in return? Why does everybody else always get their way? Or why do people in my life seem to have a good life and I don’t? We got to the bottom of that being anger. Anger is usually an emotion that people want to discard or pretend they don’t have it or have labeled it as bad or the enemy emotion. If you don’t have the capacity- if you’re fighting off anger then you’re not using anger as your alarm bell and that’s the first step to setting boundaries. Good boundaries make good relationships but before you can get to, “I need to set a boundary.” You have to be aware of the alarm bell. Know when somebody is mistreating you and that’s anger a lot of the time. You have to be able to sit with that and explore the emotion. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?” Then you can find your boundary from there. Think back through your day or through the conversation and then you start to realize what is annoying to you and set a boundary. The next step is, which boundary and how? It’s almost like you’re saying anger is bad and you shouldn’t be angry. You going to shove it away. It’s like saying, “I’m not listening to that, I’m not going to listen to the smoke alarm.”  Instead of going to look and make sure there’s no real fire. Ignoring your anger is just like ignoring any other kind of alarm. Anger is your body’s way of telling us there’s something wrong. There’s no such thing as a bad or wrong emotion. Neediness and Anger Neediness is another enemy emotion. This is our other alarm. Between anger and neediness, these are the two emotions that people fight. People think it’s wrong to be needy.  People think being needy is weak, or pride themselves on taking care of everyone else. People try to get rid of neediness by squashing it, or shoving it away but again you’re missing an alarm bell. That alarm is telling you, you need attention. The anger is telling you somebody needs to be removed, or something needs to be removed, such as what someone else is doing. Neediness is your alarm that says “I have to stop giving and give somewhere else or take.” A …