Avoid the Holiday Meltdown

  Want to know how to Avoid the holiday meltdown this year? We’re talking about the holiday meltdown to hopefully set in new habits for the next holiday. People struggle with the holidays because they’re so focused on pleasing others. There’s this fantasy that you’re going to hurt somebody, or someone is going to be angry or upset because you didn’t give them what they wanted. Children need to learn that they’re not going to get everything they want for the rest of their lives, and adults should certainly be able to handle this. Let go of that fantasy, and see what really happens. How to Handle the Holiday Meltdown Start talking about the problem or the holiday meltdown in advance. Ask yourself, how the holiday went last year and what you can do now, to avoid the holiday going bad. People get stuck in thinking they have to do a tradition or they’re going to feel bad later. You can not fix a future problem later. The thought process, ” If I don’t see them now, then I am going to feel bad or guilty later.” You are going to feel guilty and sad later because that is a part of life. What Causes the Holiday Meltdown? There are feelings that people have labeled as bad, and feelings that people have labeled as good. There is no such thing. Anger, sadness, neediness are all normal. If you already have issues with these feelings, during the holidays they will get worse. If you think you can’t feel sad any other day of the week, you’re definitely going to think you shouldn’t feel sad during the holidays. That is nonsense, feelings don’t take a hiatus during the holidays. You have to allow yourself the time to process that emotion, whatever the enemy emotion is. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, I am going to go take a walk, or a nap, to get that feeling processed. If you can do this in advance, even better! Be Prepared Maybe you get sad about the loss of a parent every holiday, or a child who can’t come home. Go ahead and say this in advance to your family members. Such as, “It turns out I get sad during the holidays, I am going to go ahead and take a break on Christmas Eve to have some time for myself.” Get this all …

How to Avoid Raising a Narcissist or Sociopath

Let’s talk about narcissism and sociopaths. Specifically, how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. I thought I’d combine the two and help teach you how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. How to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath You don’t want to deal with narcissists or sociopaths anywhere; you certainly don’t want your child to have that kind of problem. Narcissism and sociopathy are descriptive titles of personality disorders. The larger group is personality disorders. Personality disorders are defined as not monsters and horrible people that you hear in the media, but we define personality problem as somebody who has difficulty with intimate relationships. I know it makes no sense. Personality disorder does not mean you have a bad personality; in fact, sociopaths often have lovely personalities; it’s part of their trick, part of the manipulation. The definition means you have not just the typical trouble with intimate relationships that we all have but the extreme problems. Such as, you can’t maintain long-standing intimate relationships. What goes into maintaining long-standing intimate relationships? That way, you can maintain long-term relationships, and you don’t have a personality disorder and therefore are not by definition a narcissist or a sociopath. How to how to raise a child who does not have a personality disorder, means you have to understand what goes behind that. Understanding what the foundation is of maintaining intimate relationships. The key here is to have a good sense in capabilities to give and take, you can give and take. Another way of putting that is to have a good capacity to control yourself and to put up boundaries with the other person. Notice, I didn’t say control yourself and control others. A big problem parents have is controlling themselves and putting up boundaries, which helps a child control themselves. Also, the capacity to change your parenting style as the child grows up. So many parents are using the same techniques for punishment and discipline when the child’s a teenager as when the child was three. Makes no sense, right? But it happens all the time. Three areas to focus on: Controlling yourself Putting up a boundary with a child Changing your parenting techniques Controlling yourself (taking care of yourself). There are lots of things that children do that they need to do, to have healthy self-esteem, to feel autonomous, to feel grown-up, to feel separate from their …

Pathological Altruism, When helping is not the best answer

Pathological Altruism is Helping That Hurts   Negative feelings, so negative things can be positive. People think feeling angry, needy, or sad is bad or wrong and we teach them that those are not only normal but they can be really good for you to understand. Those who feel them deal with them basically. Let’s talk about the OP because the opposite is true to something that people think is good is not so good like pathological altruism. That’s a phrase I have to teach a lot of patience, pathological altruism it’s a mouthful. Pathological altruism is sort of how it sounds, where people are helping others but at their expense. They don’t realize this so they’re helping, helping, helping often with the idea that if I help enough, someone’s going to help me. But what ends up happening is they become furious because no one helps them. They don’t realize that’s the string attached to the help. It ends up being really disruptive in that way because they themselves don’t know how to ask for what they need. Which goes back to our neediness. People who have pathological altruism as one of their defenses gives, gives, gives and then gets angry when nobody gives back. They’ve missed a little portion of not being able to tell someone what they needed. This is a moment where the student becomes the teacher so beautifully and you’ve learned that over the – overtime but it always comes back to these three emotions. Same with us we do the neediness, anger, and sadness. So people have trouble with neediness, they cover it up by saying I’ll help you and then I won’t have to say I need anything from you, you’ll just know. We don’t just know, people don’t just know, that’s why communication about these things is so important. People forget that people can’t read each other’s minds and assume. Let’s say, in a marriage you assume because you’re married that this person should know you well enough to know your needs but it’s really actually the opposite. If we don’t tell them our needs they don’t realize that. It’s important to make sure you are comfortable enough to know, “I have to tell people what I need or else I’m not going to get it.” How many times have we heard someone say, “they should know,” you should know by now the opposite is true. They say, “I know how she’s going to react, or how he’s going …

Anxiety and Phobias the Down and Dirty

Phobias, anxiety, disorders, and the unconscious. We’re going to continue our talk on panic and anxiety good with that, so that’s an excellent point to point out if you have anxiety about something, then it’s not a mental disorder. If you know what the reason is, then it’s a normal reaction — a typical response that you’re anxious about, like picking up the little munchkins on time. People come in with anxiety, and they don’t know why, and that’s when it becomes interesting. Or they think they know why and it might not be the real why. That’s when we dig in and do our work because that’s what’s most exciting. It’s like being a detective because you have to find out what it is. It’s unconscious, and why is it unconscious because it hurts. There’s some pain there’s something below the surface. This is painful; you know your brain is smart. Most people’s minds are sparse; it wants to cover up pain; it doesn’t want to feel pain. You may want to know why, but they don’t want to know why. Our job is to get glimpses of that as it comes to the surface and pulls it out, helps them understand in a safe place where they know that, yes, it’s going to hurt, but it never hurts as much as they imagined. It’s like a memory from when you were a child, and you couldn’t deal with pain and stressful situations like you do now. It’s like ripping off a band-aid type of pain It’s usually something as simple as a negative feeling towards somebody that you love. I’ve talked to patients about them having a fantasy about hurting somebody or maiming somebody they feel so guilty about it, but they’ve just been trying to bury it all this time. The fantasies are normal, but there’s a lot of people who do not believe that, and some do not think it’s reasonable to have fantasies about any feeling or doing anything. For this, I’ll use my Stephen King approach. Stephen King would be in jail if we thought weird fantasies were against the law. That’s right; there’s a big difference between thinking and acting. Symbolism is very abstract. I’ll give you an example; sometimes, little crawly things mean invasive. So has somebody been invasive? In a session, I would say okay thanks we’re on the right track because I know you’re eliciting a response from me right so it could be somebody who is a mean or forcing you that could …

How to Enforce Boundaries Without Being the Bad Guy

Hello again! Dr. Laura Dabney and Joelle Brant, life coach we are here helping men, executive men with relationship problems.   We are helping everybody get over the fear of seeing or getting help from somebody in mental health if you need it yes for your emotions and or your relationships. But really almost everybody with emotional problem ends up having a relationship problem.  You can  say for this that it definitely might not be a huge relationship problem but it does affect the relationship.   yeah I think that’s most of the time true what Joelle and I were kind of laughing when we started because we continue to get questions and feedback on our boundaries episodes.  we’ve had two write ins about boundary talks before and they seem to be a big hit so somehow this is an issue.    actually you know what else has been a big issue we’ve been talking a lot with reporters lately that’s been a big change in our practice I don’t know if you noticed on Instagram and Facebook but there have been more articles we’ve been quoted in and they are that topic that keeps coming up over and over again a sociopath.   somehow that’s the big topic I hear it’s there’s some YouTube war going on about somebody claiming someone’s a sociopath and some people thinking he’s not. and that’s maybe part of it but sociopath is a good topic.  so let us know if you wanna hear about that that one put that one on the back burner  because we talked a lot about that.      well maybe a little too much experiences with sociopaths and that’s not fun.  and then we have boundaries for today and we thought we would add a little twist and talk about how to set boundaries.    How to  enforce them without being the bad guy.  we get that question in session a lot so we’ve talked in our other episodes here about what a boundary is and why you need them so check that out I think is that our paprika one.  that’s too funny.   that is our paprika example.  Because you were in the paprika example, make  sure to get me paprika and Joelle’s paprika shirt haha.   so boundaries are important.    once you understand a boundary  and why you need them how do you set that?  yeah so people are very concerned about being the bad guy whenever we talk about discussing negative feelings. or putting up a boundary which involves a negative feeling so I think that’s why a little connection.   like like somehow if you let on you have a …