Letting Go of Adult Children

Letting Go of Adult Children: How to Get to the Other Side of the Grief   Letting go of adult children can be extremely challenging. Some time ago, I spoke with a mother who was having a terrible time with her adult daughter. Her daughter was in her early twenties, living at home. The tension between the parents and child was becoming too much to bear. It was straining to the point of almost breaking what had long been a beautiful relationship.   She fought with her daughter regularly, nagging at her for not getting out of bed until noon and criticizing her for not being more helpful around the house. In essence, she stayed in her role as a parent to a young child while expecting her daughter to act more maturely.   When talking about her struggles, I used a phrase I often use with those who have lost a loved one. I spoke of “getting to the other side of the grief.” Rather than staying stuck on this side of grief, I talked about how rewarding one’s relationship with their adult child can be. To get there, however, parents have to walk through letting go of adult children, letting their kids make their own mistakes and find their paths. My patients breakthrough Today, my patient’s daughter no longer lives at home. She gave her daughter a deadline by which she had to move out and stuck to it. She grieved the entire time; watching her daughter move on was awfully painful. Now, however, she says she’s catching more and more glimpses of her daughter as an adult. They can discuss future career options and have even begun to collaborate on ideas for decorating her apartment.   Of course, allowing her daughter to grow up wasn’t a smooth transition. As my patient put it, letting go was “horrendously painful.” But she recognizes now that without forcing herself to walk through that pain, to “get to the other side of the grief,” they’d still be where they were, arguing and combative and deeply unhappy about their relationship.   Nowadays, many more children live with their parents into adulthood   It’s not an unfamiliar story. Many more children live with their parents into adulthood today than they did even twenty years ago. For many, the decision is primarily financial, and with proper respect for healthy boundaries, such arrangements can work …

Pathological Altruism, When helping is not the best answer

Pathological Altruism is helping hurts.   hello must be Thursday it is Thursday you like Monday still no feels like a Thursday but that’s good a rainy nasty nasty sure snow again still on microphone and it matches your dress so what do we want to talk about today well so we were talking about the how people will be on aha moments where people go my god which we love right so the negative feelings so negative things can be positive but that was last week’s mm-hmm people think feeling angry needy or sad or or bad or wrong or whatever they think something bad about that and we teach them that those are not only normal but they can be really good for you to understand that feel those feel them deal with them basically so let’s talk about the OP because the opposite is true to something that people think is good is not so good like pathological altruism no yeah okay so that’s a phrase I have to teach a lot of patience right pathological altruism it’s a mouthful but parents know somebody like that yes the pathological altruism is sort of how it sounds where people are helping others but at their expense so they don’t realize this so they’re helping helping helping often with the idea that if I helped enough and someone’s gonna help me but what ends up happening is they become furious because no one helps them it helps them they don’t realize that’s the string attached to the help see so it ends up being really disruptive in that way because they don’t they themselves don’t know how to ask for what they need which goes back to our neediness so people who have pathological altruism as one of their defenses you know gives gives gives gives and then gets angry when nobody gives back but they’ve missed a little portion of not being able to tell someone what they needed this is a moment where the student becomes the teacher so beautifully and you’ve learned that over the – over time but as you pointed out it always comes back to these three emotions same with us we do the neediness anger and sadness right so you’re absolutely right so people have trouble with neediness cover it up by saying I’ll help you and then I won’t have to …