How to Overcome Porn Addiction

 How to overcome porn addiction. Pornography addiction brings up such a sense of overwhelming helplessness whether you have the addiction or you know somebody who has this addiction or you are in a relationship with someone who has this addiction. It can bring up those feelings in all parties, and it tends to lead to people doing the wrong thing. They get a little panicky and start ordering and making rules and kicking people out. That is understandable, but it can sometimes make things worse. Let’s talk from a doctor’s perspective about what typically causes porn addiction so we can understand it, and how to overcome porn addiction. If we can understand it, then we can fix it. That’s medicine in a nutshell right there.  So what it causes porn addiction? In my experience, pornography addiction covers up something else. People get very busy and very involved in this inanimate stuff, as a way to cover up something within ourselves. Those three things that people cover up are three emotions, actually. Anger, neediness, and sadness. These three emotions, more than any other emotions, cause terrible conflict in people. My 20 years of experience everybody who’s come in with pornography addiction has conflicts with one or more of those emotions. What is that about? What do I mean by conflict?  Anger Anger, for instance, people who feel anger especially toward someone they love or care about, it can bring up tremendous guilt as if they shouldn’t have this anger; as if it’s not normal to have this anger. Or they think if they express this anger, it’s going to lead to hurting that person. So they get very busy burying the anger emotion. They won’t admit it to themselves; or dare say it, ever. They get very involved in burying it. So pornography is a way instead of saying to your significant other, “Hey I’m really annoyed or angry that you’ve let our sex life slide.” or “Hey, I’m really upset that you aren’t interested in sex anymore,” or, “I’m upset we don’t have a closer relationship.” Instead, they just pretend that angers not even there, and they’re going to use pornography instead. Oh, by the way, a lot of the times people who are bearing anger accidentally let their spouse find out about the pornography use, so then the spouse ends up getting punished, right? The act of anger …

Letting Go of Adult Children

Letting Go of Adult Children: How to Get to the Other Side of the Grief   Letting go of adult children can be extremely challenging. Some time ago, I spoke with a mother who was having a terrible time with her adult daughter. Her daughter was in her early twenties, living at home. The tension between the parents and child was becoming too much to bear. It was straining to the point of almost breaking what had long been a beautiful relationship.   She fought with her daughter regularly, nagging at her for not getting out of bed until noon and criticizing her for not being more helpful around the house. In essence, she stayed in her role as a parent to a young child while expecting her daughter to act more maturely.   When talking about her struggles, I used a phrase I often use with those who have lost a loved one. I spoke of “getting to the other side of the grief.” Rather than staying stuck on this side of grief, I talked about how rewarding one’s relationship with their adult child can be. To get there, however, parents have to walk through letting go of adult children, letting their kids make their own mistakes and find their paths. My patients breakthrough Today, my patient’s daughter no longer lives at home. She gave her daughter a deadline by which she had to move out and stuck to it. She grieved the entire time; watching her daughter move on was awfully painful. Now, however, she says she’s catching more and more glimpses of her daughter as an adult. They can discuss future career options and have even begun to collaborate on ideas for decorating her apartment.   Of course, allowing her daughter to grow up wasn’t a smooth transition. As my patient put it, letting go was “horrendously painful.” But she recognizes now that without forcing herself to walk through that pain, to “get to the other side of the grief,” they’d still be where they were, arguing and combative and deeply unhappy about their relationship.   Nowadays, many more children live with their parents into adulthood   It’s not an unfamiliar story. Many more children live with their parents into adulthood today than they did even twenty years ago. For many, the decision is primarily financial, and with proper respect for healthy boundaries, such arrangements can work …

Pathological Altruism, When helping is not the best answer

Pathological Altruism is Helping That Hurts   Negative feelings, so negative things can be positive. People think feeling angry, needy, or sad is bad or wrong and we teach them that those are not only normal but they can be really good for you to understand. Those who feel them deal with them basically. Let’s talk about the OP because the opposite is true to something that people think is good is not so good like pathological altruism. That’s a phrase I have to teach a lot of patience, pathological altruism it’s a mouthful. Pathological altruism is sort of how it sounds, where people are helping others but at their expense. They don’t realize this so they’re helping, helping, helping often with the idea that if I help enough, someone’s going to help me. But what ends up happening is they become furious because no one helps them. They don’t realize that’s the string attached to the help. It ends up being really disruptive in that way because they themselves don’t know how to ask for what they need. Which goes back to our neediness. People who have pathological altruism as one of their defenses gives, gives, gives and then gets angry when nobody gives back. They’ve missed a little portion of not being able to tell someone what they needed. This is a moment where the student becomes the teacher so beautifully and you’ve learned that over the – overtime but it always comes back to these three emotions. Same with us we do the neediness, anger, and sadness. So people have trouble with neediness, they cover it up by saying I’ll help you and then I won’t have to say I need anything from you, you’ll just know. We don’t just know, people don’t just know, that’s why communication about these things is so important. People forget that people can’t read each other’s minds and assume. Let’s say, in a marriage you assume because you’re married that this person should know you well enough to know your needs but it’s really actually the opposite. If we don’t tell them our needs they don’t realize that. It’s important to make sure you are comfortable enough to know, “I have to tell people what I need or else I’m not going to get it.” How many times have we heard someone say, “they should know,” you should know by now the opposite is true. They say, “I know how she’s going to react, or how he’s going …