Are You Self Sabotaging Your Intimate Relationship? Find Out!


Self sabotaging your intimate relationship, are you doing it?
Today they discuss the question, are you self sabotaging your intimate relationship without knowing?
Sometimes we do not realize we are self sabotaging.  We’re back, it must be Tuesday!
Yes! Dr. Laura Dabney relationship psychiatrist
with Joelle Brant relationship coach and
we are here this is our welcome mat to
help you everybody out there who is
maybe shy or embarrassed or ashamed to
get help for an emotional or
relationship problem yeah we’re trying
to make that go away
in short we help executive men with
their relationship problems but you know
we like everybody to feel comfortable
with this process so here we are and
we’ve been talking about the hidden
relationship patterns that are hurting
your relationships that are toxic okay
so in general if there’s a so we’re going to
talk about a relationship patterns we’re
not talking about arguments okay this is
a little different this is the ongoing
what do you want basic low-grade
problems that you just haven’t addressed
issues are concerned that you keep quiet
about just because you don’t want to
make waves exactly you don’t rock the
boat or you can put it off another time
so the feelings are not I mean it can be
anger but typically we’re talking about
feelings that are more subtle like
walking on eggshells or being annoyed or
bored even if it’s a big one yeah that’s
going on guess what it’s your problem
how many times we have people come in
say my husband and my wife she just goes
that other than their problems their
problems look if there’s a chronic
problem in your relationship either
you’re causing it or you’re not stopping
it not addressing it is a problem it’s
exactly exactly and it keeps it going so
it’s a problem so you don’t have to
change the spouse that’s the good news
you can change how you’re dealing with
this pattern we’re not dealing with it
and stop it okay and the reason so the
reason why I would say people don’t tip
do this if people are caught in a rut
and have not addressed it in a way to
get to stop it it’s because they
value one  approach over the other right
they approach either the aggressive they
value either the aggressive approach or
the passive approach and that’s a
problem because you need both!
If you are not able to do both you may be self sabotaging
your intimate relationship.
you gotta be able to go back and forth between the
two depending on the situation. exactly
right you want to be fluid in those
right this is the person who always has
a hammer with for everything you hear
that saying when a wrench would do but
there’s all people use wrenches all the
time that may need a hammer so if you
think that one so if you tend if you
examine the pattern and your role in it
if you tend to value aggression you’re
gonna be sort of that one who’s always
criticizing trying to get them to change
finding evidence to prove that you’re right.
that’s all an aggressive approach, this aggressive approach
can self sabotage the intimate relationship
 Other aggressive approach which
we call those bad aggressive approaches.
it’s good aggressive approaches which is
putting up boundaries that’s our first
video in this series.   That was two
videos ago those people think that
action people value aggressive
approaches think action is better
it may be think it’s more manly maybe I
think it’s more valuable right something
along those lines will be here then the
people who think past’s passive approach
is better right that’s the one you know
definitely people that just stay quiet
or just internalize what they’re feeling
or like we said before walk on eggshells
don’t want to bring it up because maybe
they don’t want to deal with you know
anger someone being angry at them or you
know the anger themselves if they feel
right they’re afraid of the reactions
that keep it buried so there’s good
passivity and it’s bad passivity in
reality so we talked about that in the
second our second video of this series
which was the last one so in some if
you’re stuck in a pattern look to see if
you value aggressive approaches over
passive approaches then watch our videos
and change so you can go back and forth
between the two or if you notice and
yourself like okay I’m always aggressive
and try a passive approach right you
know if you’re always passive maybe add
that boundary exactly just try something
different it is definitely something
where you can’t always do the same thing
for everything that’s that’s the point you got to be
able to look at yourself.  stop trying to
change the other person and look at what
you’re doing if you’re doing the same
thing over and over it’s not working if
the pattern is going is not working I
don’t we hear this all times so mine if
my wife just wasn’t late to everything
then if this would be fine they would be
over it’s if you can’t stop the pattern
without changing her if she’s late all
the time and you just keep criticizing
her yelling at her getting mad at her
right it’s still going on because she’s
getting defensive because that’s not
good aggression right so what if you
instead used a constructive aggression
and went on without her boundary
boundary I’m not gonna let you control
me with your lateness I’m just carry on
and go without you already at the party
time without you you know let’s see how
long it lasts then ok so Joelle and I are
saying is you have to change that
pattern and find the one that works for
your relationship that’s why it’s on you
to change not on her because her being
late doesn’t bother her you keep waiting
so she’s fine with it you’re not fine
with it you have to change it okay so
now I said in the last one there was one
more category so we have the aggressive
maneuvers we had the passive maneuver
but we have one more which is a
combination which I call a duplicitous
maneuver. the passive dissuades dealing
with a relationship issue duplicitous
ones are a combination okay so my
favorite one  is the most
obvious one is cheating and folks we’re
using cheating in the broadest sense
whether you’re doing an emotional
texting,  sexting ,looking at
just just looking at porn when you have
a wife or partner those are all
because you aren’t sharing your feelings with your
partner you’re not saying you know I
miss our sex life you know  I need more
from our sex life in our intimate life
than you’re giving me, can we work that
out? you’re being passive and then you’re
doing the aggressive part of sticking a
knife in her throat by cheating and  acting out.
exactly you’re doing
something outside the marriage or
breaking a vow you’re breaking a promise
you’re hurting her whether she knows it
or not you’re hurting her okay so that’s
duplicitous another example of that is I
think keeping secrets oh yeah sort of
similar substances would you consider
like self yes abuse is another one right
so again you’re not talking about the
problem you’re avoiding it but then
you’re hurting yourself right and taking
yourself away with this active role of
self-sabotage with substance abuse legal
activities drinking you know anything
like that the keeping secrets I see a
lot with parents who will keep a secret
with a child right it’s like okay
we won’t tell your mom about this grade
right so your your your passive you’re
taking the passive pressure not gonna
tell your wife about the bad grade or
the arrest or whatever it is to protect
her really you’re afraid of her reaction
or think you can’t handle that reaction
and you’re doing something aggressive by
making a pact with someone making a vow
connecting with someone who that’s not
who the vows with that’s not appropriate
your vows with your wife so that’s the
third area and that you also have to
look at a little bit more closely
because you’re doing something somehow
you’re valuing passivity in some places
and aggression in another place and you
got them mixed up
switched switched and maybe we should
say this we do have these listed on a
document here at the office if it may
wants that the constructive or good
the destructive or bad aggression the
constructive passive approaches and the
destructive or bad passive approaches
okay so we have us all written down and
with examples if that would make this
easier for anybody out there and if the
said speaks to you in some way please
love like or pass it along and we’ll see
you next time
have a good week Thanks