Pathological Altruism, When helping is not the best answer

Pathological Altruism is helping hurts.


hello must be Thursday it is Thursday

you like Monday still no feels like a

Thursday but that’s good a rainy nasty

nasty sure snow again still on

microphone and it matches your dress so

what do we want to talk about today well

so we were talking about the how people

will be on aha moments where people go

my god which we love

right so the negative feelings so

negative things can be positive but that

was last week’s mm-hmm people think

feeling angry needy or sad or or bad or

wrong or whatever they think something

bad about that and we teach them that

those are not only normal but they can

be really good for you to understand

that feel those feel them deal with them

basically so let’s talk about the OP

because the opposite is true to

something that people think is good is

not so good like pathological altruism

no yeah okay so that’s a phrase I have

to teach a lot of patience right

pathological altruism it’s a mouthful

but parents know somebody like that yes

the pathological altruism is sort of how

it sounds where people are helping

others but at their expense so they

don’t realize this so they’re helping

helping helping often with the idea that

if I helped enough and someone’s gonna

help me but what ends up happening is

they become furious because no one helps

them it helps them they don’t realize

that’s the string attached to the help

see so it ends up being really

disruptive in that way because they

don’t they themselves don’t know how to

ask for what they need which goes back

to our neediness

so people who have pathological altruism

as one of their defenses you know gives

gives gives gives and then gets angry

when nobody gives back but they’ve

missed a little portion of not being

able to tell someone what they needed

this is a moment where the student

becomes the teacher so beautifully and

you’ve learned that over the – over time

but as you pointed out it always comes

back to these three emotions same with

us we do the neediness anger and sadness

right so you’re absolutely right so

people have trouble with neediness cover

it up by saying I’ll help you and then I

won’t have to say I need anything from

you you’ll just know yeah and we don’t

just know people don’t just know that’s

why communication about these things or

it’s so important but I think people you

know forget that people can’t read each

other’s minds and assume that this

person who like let’s say in a marriage

you assume because you’re married that

this person should know you well enough

to know your needs but I think it’s

really actually the opposite is that if

we don’t tell them our needs they don’t

realize that so it’s you know making

sure you are comfortable enough to know

that I have to tell people what I need

or else I’m not gonna get it how many

times we heard that depression should

know you should know by now or the

opposite is true

were they say I know how she’s gonna

react how he’s gonna react. so I’m not

going to do or I am going to do it’s

like all you have to do is tell her yeah

but it’s revealing a neediness and they

don’t want to do that I mean I think

there was some famous actress who got on

and this is you hear this all over could

say I got divorced because he didn’t

know and he couldn’t anticipate my needs

and that’s not love that’s Fantasyland

yeah and also like you said it’s just

the opposite if

you’re in love and it’s your partner for

life why wouldn’t you be able to ask

them I would feel to expose that

neediness anger something and talk that

through I think one thing that you said

before that really is important and

resonates with me with every when I talk

to you is the fact that you know

sometimes people are you know when it

comes to anger they don’t want to be

angry at their mom their dad their

husband their spouse because you know I

love them so I shouldn’t be angry with

them where it’s actually the opposite

you know if you don’t feel angry toward

someone that it means you’re not really

even invested in that person so I think

that’s something that really sticks with

me because if you do feel anger or feel

needy towards somebody that’s just

telling of you know how much you truly

care about that person okay there’s some

famous saying or the opposite of love

isn’t hatred it’s apathy you just don’t

care true love is all love always comes

with the high emotions and as Joe was

saying that’s a sign that you’re

invested and so good you’re not gonna be

but it’s not worth you’re getting your

rub they can’t get a rise out of you

because you don’t care just not invested

yeah see you know Tuesday see you next

week saying the same things today.  Don’t forget, Pathological Altruism is helping until it hurts.