Parenting mistakes for which you can let yourself off the hook

hello welcome to another Tuesday I’m Dr.
Laura Dabney and we’ve been talking
about parenting all month and we’ve been
talking about things not to do as a
parent things that look like a good idea
but not to do as a parent so today I
want to talk to you about things you can
let go of as a parent the guilt over
some mistake you may have made as a
parent and how to let that go because
guilt excessive guilt inappropriate
guilt you can get in the way of your
relationship with your child right if
you’re feeling like you have to make
something up or you have to explain or
get them to finally I don’t know let you
off the hook that’s gonna put a burden
on your child that they don’t need so
you can do this yourself and I’m gonna
walk you through a couple of those but
just again as a brief intro I’m dr.
Laura Dabney a relationship psychiatrist
and typically I deal with executive or
professional men who are struggling with
some relationship themselves but here I
like to say I’m opening my door up to
all of you anybody who is struggling
with an emotional problem and still has
trouble picking up that bone so I’m
gonna step into your place or you can
virtually step into my place and see
what this is all about and see how I do
things and hopefully that will ease you
into treatment with somebody when you’re
ready okay so today the parenting the
guilt oh such a tough job that you can’t
and people’s lives depend on it so
pretty tricky so what are these subjects
or problems that people come to me with
baby themselves up and I’m trying to say
no no no that’s it’s not as big a
problem as you’re making it out one is
the general topic of a loss of control
so let’s say you may be yelled at your
child or maybe you showed a strong
emotion you know about something else
like you were angry at your spouse or an
argument spilled over or you punched
them for a longer time than you think
you should have something like that
where you let a little bit of overboard
and you wish you hadn’t
instead of beating yourself up over that
remember that it’s human okay we have
emotions it’s it’s not like you need to
hide them it’s not as if you’re going to
instantaneously you know what that
emotion is and therefore be able to let
it out more graciously so that’s we have
to go back oftentimes you have to go
back and re-examine retrospect gee I you
know I kind out of control there a
little bit I you know and think about
that and part of that then is to said of
beating yourself up but to go back to
your child and simply tell them
apologize if that’s in order and give a
brief explanation nothing too long and
I’m so sorry
I I my voice got louder I yelled it and
I did I wished I hadn’t I really want to
have a discussion with you I think it’s
because I had something else going on at
work that day brief and then asked for
their permission to try again I’d like
to try this again
if you would be so kind as to let me
have another chance
a lot of parents feel that they
shouldn’t or there’s some resistance to
apologizing but they really want their
kid to apologize to them they’re very
very big on a child needing to apologize
needing to respect me but you have to
respect your child also it’s a two-way
street because you want him to have
relationships after you that are two-way
streets so by taking the one down
apologizing giving that little brief
explanation and asking to try again
you’re demonstrating how they should in
do this okay so in the future when
somebody when they lose control or have
a problem they’ll know exactly you’ll
have given them the template so they
know how it feels on the other side and
they know how to give that apology to
you or to somebody else all right
so loss of control apologize
brief explanation asks for another
chance okay the second issue that people
tend to come in beating themselves up
over unnecessarily is some kind of a
separation with another family member
whether it’s a divorce from the child’s
parent maybe it’s a separation from your
parent the child’s grandparent or
sibling or somebody else maybe it was a
family friend if you’ve had to set a
boundary but it’s physically leaving
emotionally leaving whatever that
boundary is do not use your child’s
relationship with that person as an
excuse to not set that boundary does it
make sense so if you having a problem
with your parent there being invasive or
intrusive and you try to work it out and
it’s not working you just have to for
your safety sanity let them go
distance yourself from them or anybody
that’s going to be in your child’s best
interest because it’s gonna be in your
best interest that’s you helping
yourself in order to help the
relationships of those in your life you
don’t want to see you being run over or
taken over or none of that is good for
them either but I have so many patients
who say but I don’t want to rob them of
their relationship with their
grandparent you’re not robbing them of
the relationship you’re strengthening
your relationship with them what they
need way more than a relationship with a
I’ve got parents my kids I wasn’t have
relation with the grandparents too it is
a wonderful thing but having a solid
wage but the parent is everything okay
so do not fool yourself that this pain
or separation from the child from the
family member is somehow more important
than yours because it’s not and when the
child gets older you can give a brief
explanation of the separation again
brief because you don’t want to look
like you’re putting the problem on your
child just say well you know we just
couldn’t work things out and it was just
in it was better for us better for me
that I separate but when you could be
driving age or you turn 18 or if you
want to have relationship with them and
don’t need me to facilitate that I will
not stand between you and that child
it’s free to go on and have a
relationship if they so choose why is
this important because you are
demonstrating just like with the apology
situation you’re demonstrating how to
set boundaries okay again you don’t want
to get always in a position where you’re
telling your child to set boundaries you
also want to show them how it’s done
right you want to show them this is how
I did it and that gives them a template
so when they get to be of age someone’s
walking all over them and you’re
wondering gee why did they keep letting
this person walk all over them right
well because of you because you’ve set a
boundary and you showed them how that’s
very important for them to not only do
but to see you do and to see you do it
right so stop beating yourself up over
that okay the third thing that a lot of
parents especially in this area beat
themselves up for is physical distancing
from your child we actually talked in
the last video about how physical
distancing from a child is I think most
people understand that’s not a good
thing in general but there are times
where physical distance
is necessary maybe you are in the
military and you have to be deployed
that’s a good example or year for your
work you have to go somewhere for some
period of time or perhaps there’s a sick
family member that you need to take care
of or some legal issue you have to
separate and go get taken care of for
the best interest of you and your family
again going back to how it’s how you
handle it right it is it I’m not saying
this is easy for your children or your
child but if you just leave and say well
I gotta go and that’s how it is
yes that’s gonna make it a little harder
there ways you can mitigate that loss
with your child by depending on their
age if they’re younger you want to give
them something concrete to hold on to
especially if it’s something that kids
are very sensitive to smells and
textures so if you have a shirt you wear
everyday or a lot like a t-shirt or
undershirt or maybe you have a hairbrush
or something like that that they can
hold on to and hold with them that’s
great for a younger child older child
you may want to sit with a calendar and
have some kind of communication set up
in advance and also give them a picture
of you or something that you’ve done
together maybe you and your child can
make a little photo album before you
leave but the communication piece
whatever you can do and especially if
it’s scheduled that gives them a little
bit more to look at the calendar and
know when it’s coming as opposed to
feeling like they never know and that’s
happening and if you have no
communication then I recommend leaving a
tape recording of different messages
with somebody who can play that on a
regular schedule
okay so just that they can hear your
voice or read your words with older kids
I told his like late teens I recommend
just sending a funny text cartoon or a
little story maybe just to touch base
because they are gonna have they will be
working out their comings and goings at
that time as well so they you may have
to wait for them to say hey you know
what’s going on with you maybe have a
for them to reach out to you before you
have a longer discussion okay so again
checking back in with them shows them
how in the future when they need to
separate from somebody physically
distance themselves when they don’t want
to this is how they can prepare a loved
one in advance so I hope that message
sort of came through there that pattern
of dealing with things
making mistakes is part of the game
parenting it is it’s about making many
many mistakes and hopefully you know
thinking maybe heading off some of those
mistakes in advance but it’s about going
back and making an example of that
thinking how would I want my child to
handle this how would I wish my parents
have handled this or how did they handle
it where it worked for me and then go
ahead and show them that take the one
down don’t get trapped into the you know
I can’t take the one down or my kid
won’t respect me that’s absolutely the
opposite okay so next week we have one
more Tuesday and that Tuesday I’m gonna
wrap up everything we talked about over
the last three weeks and a little bit
more information on each so you can be a
parenting star yes thanks everybody see
you next week oh if I could help anybody
I always forget to do this yeah I can
help anybody with this any further or
with any problem please give us a call
but the easiest way to reach me seven
five seven three four zero eighty eight
hundred thanks so much you guys