How to Build Emotional Connection: Increase Intimacy  by Looking at the Destructive Patterns in Your Relationship

What increases intimacy in the bedroom? The intimacy outside the bedroom. There can be intimacy in your daily life, and there should be to have a healthy relationship. Most people who come to me with relationship problems have this problem. The intimacy is not there daily, which, in return, causes their sex life to suffer.

Let’s focus on the importance of changing your approach, with the result being increasing intimacy.

A lot of people are in the weeds of their relationship. They’re very focused on the details and daily life routines, and they’re not stepping back and thinking about the destructive patterns that have developed over the years. Almost everyone who comes to see me has these destructive patterns. The arguments aren’t all separate things. If you look closely at a broader angle, you’ll see that the patterns are similar. If you can get ahold of a pattern, all you need to do is change one part of the pattern, and all of the arguments that fall in the pattern change, often for the better, and this is how to build intimacy in your daily life.

Take a look now at the patterns that you contribute to the destructive patterns in your relationship to increase emotional connection. 

Think about the arguments you’ve had in the past. Are you the one who backs down, let’s things go, doesn’t want to approach anything because it might get ugly or tense? Are you avoiding confrontation? Or are you the go-getter, “I’m not letting that go, I’m going to tackle this, I’m going to prove my point,”- are you that person? Do your arguments tend to start with you making your point? If you’re that person, this is a pattern that may be destructive in your relationship.

The key is, people tend to idealize one of these approaches. Typically, one partner idealizes one, and the other partner idealizes the other. Which one are you?

If you’re the one who’s the passive one, you must see that, sometimes, passivity isn’t the best choice. Avoiding confrontation and aggression is not the key to a happy relationship. There are times to be passive, but there are also times to be aggressive, constructively.

Constructive Aggression

Constructive aggression includes going for a gold medal, asking for a raise, swerving to avoid a dog in the road. These are ways to use your aggression constructively. If there is some tension that you are feeling, or something that a person is doing that is causing you some negative feeling- that’s the time to use constructive aggression, it’s not the time to back away. It’s not going to be better if you ignore it because of the negative feelings that you’re feeling are there and are probably being felt by your significant other and confusing him or her. The feelings also build within you, and they always leak out in some much more destructive way. 

Constructive Passivity

For the passive people out there- here is a line to use to help you bridge that gap. “I’m very anxious because I have to talk to you about something that’s between us, and I don’t want it to be between us anymore. I’d like to have this conversation with you, but I wanted to let you know I’m nervous about it.”

Use a line similar to this, go ahead and talk about your anxiety; you don’t have to dive right into the topic. If you talk about your anxiety, then your significant other will already know you’re in pain, and there’s a chance the conversation won’t go off course. This increases the intimacy because you’re revealing more, not avoiding more. 

How to Build an Emotional Connection: Transparency.

Revealing yourself is intimacy. Getting to know someone, someone getting to know you- the good, the bad, and the ugly, is the point and the fuel behind intimacy. 

For aggressive people, there is a time to be passive. There is value to passivity. For instance, when you step back and let a child figure out a problem on their own. That is constructive passivity. Similar in a relationship, there are times to back away to allow the emotions to calm down or keep an argument from happening. It takes two to argue, and you have to remember, you’re apart of that if you’re arguing. If you feel the tension rising, it’s constructive to step back and realize you don’t want an argument to start.

You can say, “I’m going to the office for a couple of hours. I’ll be back to see you at dinner.” By stepping away, it allows the emotions to calm down, and you come back for dinner, you can do the postmortem discussion. You can say, “I’d like to try this conversation again, I don’t want to end up in an argument. I should’ve said this a little differently.” 

You want to have the ability to tackle something that needs to be addressed but also step away from something when the situation calls for that. Aggression and passivity are of value. One is not superior or better. They are both necessary. You have to get comfortable with both. 

Use one of these lines to bridge the gap and learn how to build an emotional connection in your daily life.

Give us a call at 757-340-8800 for a 15-minute consultation.

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