More Quick Tips to Avoid the Holiday Meltdown this Year

Quick Tips to Avoid the Holiday Meltdown this Year. Every year you go through it, and we want to help you avoid the meltdown. In general, we’ve been talking about how to straighten out that imbalance, which leads to that blow-up or meltdown, and we want to emphasize for the summation is that intimacy involves giving and taking. Think about it; you’re giving something to somebody else, and taking something in return is the ultimate intimacy. If you’ve got it in your head that you have to give, give, give, and that’s what is going to make people happy, and they’re automatically going to give back to you, you’re going to be disappointed, that meltdown is going to come. Go ahead, take and give and you’ll find that you’ll have a much more intimate holiday season this year. Hope these Tips to Avoid the Holiday Meltdown from Dr. Laura Dabney help! Check out more at www.drldabney.com and www.lauradabney.com.  

How to Avoid Raising a Narcissist or Sociopath

Let’s talk about narcissism and sociopaths. Specifically, how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. I thought I’d combine the two and help teach you how to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath. How to avoid raising a narcissist or sociopath You don’t want to deal with narcissists or sociopaths anywhere; you certainly don’t want your child to have that kind of problem. Narcissism and sociopathy are descriptive titles of personality disorders. The larger group is personality disorders. Personality disorders are defined as not monsters and horrible people that you hear in the media, but we define personality problem as somebody who has difficulty with intimate relationships. I know it makes no sense. Personality disorder does not mean you have a bad personality; in fact, sociopaths often have lovely personalities; it’s part of their trick, part of the manipulation. The definition means you have not just the typical trouble with intimate relationships that we all have but the extreme problems. Such as, you can’t maintain long-standing intimate relationships. What goes into maintaining long-standing intimate relationships? That way, you can maintain long-term relationships, and you don’t have a personality disorder and therefore are not by definition a narcissist or a sociopath. How to how to raise a child who does not have a personality disorder, means you have to understand what goes behind that. Understanding what the foundation is of maintaining intimate relationships. The key here is to have a good sense in capabilities to give and take, you can give and take. Another way of putting that is to have a good capacity to control yourself and to put up boundaries with the other person. Notice, I didn’t say control yourself and control others. A big problem parents have is controlling themselves and putting up boundaries, which helps a child control themselves. Also, the capacity to change your parenting style as the child grows up. So many parents are using the same techniques for punishment and discipline when the child’s a teenager as when the child was three. Makes no sense, right? But it happens all the time. Three areas to focus on: Controlling yourself Putting up a boundary with a child Changing your parenting techniques Controlling yourself (taking care of yourself). There are lots of things that children do that they need to do, to have healthy self-esteem, to feel autonomous, to feel grown-up, to feel separate from their …

How to Deal With Sociopaths and Narcissists in Your Life

Sociopaths and Narcissists How to deal with sociopaths and narcissists, in other words, how to deal with difficult people in your life. This is an important topic because sometimes people don’t see it if they weren’t taught about narcissists or sociopaths or provided the tools to see the red flags. The difference mainly between sociopaths and narcissists are sociopaths are equated to monsters and narcissists are equated to full of themselves or stuck-up and this is somewhat true. The proper term for a sociopath is an antisocial personality disorder, that does not mean you don’t like to go to parties. Antisocial personality disorder means essentially that you’re a criminal. Sociopath is the layperson’s term for that. Basically, it’s somebody who doesn’t just break the law but breaking the law is a way for them to get distance from people. They can’t do relationships. This is a truism that a lot of people don’t understand, not everybody can do relationships. They don’t realize it, it’s unconscious. This is not them saying they’re going to fake a relationship, it is unconscious. That terminology is personality disorder when someone has difficulty or impossibility to create a substantial, healthy, intimate relationship. We call it a personality disorder and then there are different flavors. Closeness feels threatening. Narcissism is when the closeness gets to be too much for these people. Closeness feels threatening. If your healthy, closeness feels good but to people with personality disorders it feels threatening; so they break the closeness. Again, not consciously but they’ll break the closeness by putting another person down and putting themselves up. Narcissists have to break that closeness by belittling a person or being mean. In a relationship they can’t both be good at something, it has to be “I’m better and you’re not.” They have to do this to break the closeness. Sociopaths break the law to break the closeness or keep secrets from you. So breaking the law is a way of breaking any tie with society. “I’m not going to follow the societal rules, I do it my way.” So they break the societal rules and they break the closeness with you because they have a secret. It’s a way of pushing everybody out and to keep himself from feeling close. So the problem is people think if someone really can’t handle closeness then they’d be a hermit, right? If someone is a hermit, …

Enjoy The Holidays Without The Holiday Meltdown

Why Can’t We Enjoy the Holidays Without the Meltdown?? It’s nice to see you all. I have been wanting to talk about the holiday meltdown. Since it’s before Thanksgiving because so many people come to me with this history of going, going, going during the Holiday season and then crashing. I typically don’t hear about the crash until after the crash. Everybody goes off to their holidays everybody is okay, and then they come back with all the complaints and frustrations. We don’t want you to do that this year, as I always tell my patients- how about, we think about the things that are coming up not just the things that have passed. If you have this history of melting down, I just wanted to talk to you about that. It’s not going to take something away from the holidays, to think about this in advance. We’re going to add something to the holiday by doing a preemptive strike. We’re going to solve this before it happens. And then make the holiday a whole lot better, not only for you but everybody else too. What I’ve found over the 20 years of doing this, is that that meltdown tends to always come because of an imbalance. “I’m doing everything, and nobody else is doing anything,” imbalance. Sounds familiar right? “I’m doing this, this, and this. He’s not doing that, she’s not doing this, she’s getting her nails done, and I’m doing everything.” So you start doing that in your head, and that’s a problem. Reasons the Imbalance Comes Up The reasons why that balance comes up. For starters, you are probably doing this all in your head. You get caught up in the traditions, in the pressure from society, maybe some pressure from the family and you go right into the mode. Whatever holiday it is, you go into the mode and not think to stop, and think. Let’s put our thinking caps on together and try to think of what is it that you want? What do you want? Prepare a list of what everybody else wants; you can hold on to that but add to it, what do you want? And the sooner you get this out on the table, the better. You don’t have to sit there and wait until someone doesn’t figure it out. We’re talking here a lot about expressing what you want, expressing …

Beyond Boundaries- Simple Fixes for your Relationship Problems

We are here to talk Beyond Boundaries and give  Simple Fixes for Your Relationship Problems. We have some tips on how to fix your relationship problems.  These are the quick tips we give beyond just boundary setting, which is huge! There are some other quick down and dirty statements that go beyond boundaries, you can make to stop some troublesome patterns in your relationship. The one mentioned most is walking away. But walking away is a little passive-aggressive if you’re in the middle of something or your partner is in the middle of something and you walk away. You’re going stir them up because they’re not going to know where you are or why you just left, or if you are coming back. That can be hurtful to them.  So instead of just walking away, you can use a bridge statement. You can say, “I’m going to leave, this is getting a little too much, but let’s revisit it after dinner.” Making that statement versus just walking away helps keep it from being torture for the other person. Walking Away Without a Statement Another way to go beyond boundaries is there are times when walking away without a statement is appropriate. The first example walking away with a bridge statement is if someone’s inappropriately aggressive, such as name-calling, yelling aggressively; when you start to experience anxiety discomfort. If they’re passive-aggressive, such as mumbling under their breath, saying something and passing- that’s the time to simply walk away.  What that’s doing is the other person is being inappropriate, and they’re drawing you into an argument you can’t win. Right? You didn’t hear them, they claim they didn’t say anything, so you get into those dead-end fights, going back and forth. Don’t take the bait, and simply ignore it. Walk into the next room,(not angrily) remove yourself. The idea is that your partner needs to learn, and this is how to help them learn that they’ll only get your attention if they approach you appropriately. They’re not going to lose you if they’re not appropriate. One Way Statements When going beyond boundaries, there are one-way Statements or simple statements are where you say what your emotion is in light of what they do. But there are times where just saying how you feel and leaving it at that, has a lot more impact. An example would be, “oh, that hurts.” These statements …