Why Do I Let People Walk All Over Me?

  Do you find yourself asking this question, “Why do I let people walk all over me?” Why do I keep letting him walk all over me? Why can I stand up for myself? People often bring up self-esteem as the answer to the question, “why do I let people walk all over me?”  Self-esteem is part of it, but there’s a secret reason that we see all the time. I call these the enemy emotions. Some people don’t see their emotions as normal, natural, or biological. They divided the emotions up into good emotions and bad emotions. With bad emotions, people think they shouldn’t feel them, or they’re wrong. The enemy emotions are not just uncomfortable, but people think the emotions are wrong. Right? The emotions are wrong; they’re the enemy. The emotion becomes the enemy, and it distracts them from the problem. Ironically, if there’s a problem, or a person’s a problem, they feel anger and then suddenly that’s bad, that’s wrong, or it’s mean. There are half a dozen reasons why people can’t let the anger just be, in their heads. I’m just talking about in their head, not about saying anything out loud at this point. I’m talking about people who can’t even let anger exist in their heads. They start squashing it down and burying it. The irony is, the anger somehow is attached to hurting somebody. People think, “If I feel anger, someone’s going to get hurt.” That’s what they believe in their heads, that’s their link to anger being bad. And then they feel guilt over having the emotion, “oh my gosh, it’s going to hurt somebody, I don’t want to hurt somebody.” The big difference between thinking, being enraged even, in your head and hurting somebody, are oceans apart. I’d love to use the example, “You never fear, you never worry that your laughter is going to become mania.” Essentially, when thinking anger is bad, people are saying, “My anger is going to turn me to killing somebody.” No, you’re an adult, you can control yourself, these are fantasies or thoughts you’re having in your own head, they’re private; no one knows, and they’re normal. It’s like denying that you have ears. It’s like saying, “I don’t have ears; I don’t want to hear anything bad.”  If you think overall, hearing is helpful. Yes, we’re going to hear something we don’t like, …

Do You Feel Like You are Always Giving Too Much?

Do you feel like you are always giving too much and not getting anything in return? Why does everybody else always get their way? Or why do people in my life seem to have a good life and I don’t? We got to the bottom of that being anger. Anger is usually an emotion that people want to discard or pretend they don’t have it or have labeled it as bad or the enemy emotion. If you don’t have the capacity- if you’re fighting off anger then you’re not using anger as your alarm bell and that’s the first step to setting boundaries. Good boundaries make good relationships but before you can get to, “I need to set a boundary.” You have to be aware of the alarm bell. Know when somebody is mistreating you and that’s anger a lot of the time. You have to be able to sit with that and explore the emotion. Ask yourself, “Why am I angry?” Then you can find your boundary from there. Think back through your day or through the conversation and then you start to realize what is annoying to you and set a boundary. The next step is, which boundary and how? It’s almost like you’re saying anger is bad and you shouldn’t be angry. You going to shove it away. It’s like saying, “I’m not listening to that, I’m not going to listen to the smoke alarm.”  Instead of going to look and make sure there’s no real fire. Ignoring your anger is just like ignoring any other kind of alarm. Anger is your body’s way of telling us there’s something wrong. There’s no such thing as a bad or wrong emotion. Neediness and Anger Neediness is another enemy emotion. This is our other alarm. Between anger and neediness, these are the two emotions that people fight. People think it’s wrong to be needy.  People think being needy is weak, or pride themselves on taking care of everyone else. People try to get rid of neediness by squashing it, or shoving it away but again you’re missing an alarm bell. That alarm is telling you, you need attention. The anger is telling you somebody needs to be removed, or something needs to be removed, such as what someone else is doing. Neediness is your alarm that says “I have to stop giving and give somewhere else or take.” A …

Destroying Your Child’s Self Esteem in The Name of “Good Parenting.”

The toughest job you’ll never be thanked for is being a parent. Let’s about self-esteem.  A lot of people have the wrong impression of what good parenting is, thinking that it’s going to create a great person or a great relationship. When in fact, these methods hurt your child’s self-esteem or keep the self-esteem from growing. There are parenting techniques that seem good to some people or seem good on the surface that really aren’t. Let’s start with the good soldier technique, maybe because I am in a military community there are a lot of parents who think that the child who is obedient, “yes sir, no sir,” type, that that’s a good kid. There is nothing wrong with bad manners, I’m not saying manners are something you need to teach a child for sure but an obedient child is not a good child. When somebody comes in and the child’s in college and they’ve been A-ok the whole time, that means the child has not been able to practice the other thing that they need to be well-developed human beings that can be in a relationship and that is their aggressive skills. By making them or insisting they be obedient you’re giving them one skill and that is to learn how to be passive, humble, to learn to take direction, all those things are important but what about being the leader, the authority figure the one to give direction? How can they learn that if you don’t practice that with them? I hear so much of this obedience part is, “they have to respect me.” But somehow if the child has their own idea, their own way of doing things, or if they’re disobedient; somehow they don’t respect the child. First of all, like anybody else has to, you have to earn their respect but more importantly, the question is why don’t they respect you? That’s the question you should be asking yourself. What’s going on? Why is he acting out? It’s so much more valuable than to keep trying to shove your way and your stuff down his throat. Letting the child have their own way, and give you a little guff, a little pushback is healthy for that child. That is where they get their self-esteem. There’s no self-esteem involved in saying yes sir, yes ma’am. It takes some self-esteem, some guts, some bravery to say, “you …

Parenting Mistakes you Can Let Yourself Off The Hook

Let’s talk about parenting mistakes; you can let go of as a parent. Let’s talk about parenting mistakes; you can let go of as a parent. The guilt over parenting mistakes you may have made as a parent and how to let that go because of guilt, excessive guilt, inappropriate guilt can get in the way of your relationship with your child. If you feel like you have to make something up or you have to explain or get them to let you off the hook, that’s going to put a burden on your child that they don’t need. You can do this yourself, and I’m going to walk you through a couple of those. Parenting- the guilt, such a tough job that you can’t leave, and people’s lives depend on it. It’s pretty tricky, so what are these subjects or problems that people come to me with? Loss of Control One is the general topic of a loss of control. Let’s say you yelled at your child, or you showed a strong emotion about something else such as you were angry at your spouse, or an argument spilled over, or you punished them for a longer time than you think you should have. Or you went a little overboard, and you wish you hadn’t. Instead of beating yourself up over parenting mistakes, remember that it’s human. We have emotions; it’s not like you need to hide them; it’s not as if you’re going to instantaneously know what that emotion is and therefore be able to let it out more graciously. That’s why we have to go back often; you have to go back and re-examine, retrospect. Instead of beating yourself up, go back to your child and tell them you apologize. Give a brief explanation, nothing too long and say, “I’m so sorry my voice got louder, I yelled, and I wish I hadn’t. I want to discuss it with you; I think it’s because I had something else going on at work that day.” Keep it brief, and then ask for their permission to try again. Apologizing A lot of parents feel that they shouldn’t, or there’s some resistance to apologizing, but they want their kid to apologize to them, they’re huge on a child needing to apologize, needing to respect them but you have to respect your child also it’s a two-way street. If you want him …

Stop Always Picking the Wrong Partner!

      I don’t know if there’s really one answer right probably multi-fold reasons or it could be one reason for someone another reason for another but it usually kind of comes down to a few tendencies I think or a combination of these tendencies that we’ve touched on before but maybe we talked about the combination how it’s like a lethal combination of tendencies so we talked about red flags. There are people who have obvious obvious obvious problems with relationships or relating to people and there are people who miss those red flags yeah they don’t want to see them for one reason or another we usually talk about those red flags sort of I’ve written paper where they listed 50 of them so instead of doing that they tend to fall into these categories one being self-care. I’m not able to care for themselves and that could be can’t hold a job self-mutilate sore self harms those kinds of things like always being late is one thing right that I’m late ya know that y’all mentioned right that often leads to well that sometimes leads to not be able to care for himself right now you have a job or get through a degree or an education, impulsivity, lack of being able to control oneself, drinking too much, spending too much all the time. We’re not talking about once in a while we’re talking about somebody who chronic or habitually does this. Somebody who does not follow the law. It’s like cheating, this person isn’t following the rules, does not think the rules of society apply to them so they’re not going to follow the rules in a relationship. Lack of empathy, such as being late- to they don’t care about your time. Or they don’t care about your issues or your concerns they don’t matter to them. They don’t take it seriously. They’re not going to if you have a problem they’re not gonna take it seriously these are people you know they just can’t do the give-and-take of a relationship. Their needs count more than yours. They take but can’t give whereas the ideal relationship is a balance of both. What happens with the people who can’t see the red flags? A lot of times that is if they can’t see those red flags it boils not to critical judgment being able to on your own realize okay this is a not a good person for me and that could be too different I’ve seen it two different times you know you have one where there’s someone who let’s say always pick …